Memoirs of A Tsinelas

SPEECH & ORAL COMMUNICATION 1 ONLY under my supervision*

2009-07-15T00:30:00.000-07:00

DOES COMMUNICATIONS REVOLUTION BENEFIT WOMEN?
By C Martin
November 1999

Can the new communications revolution opening up before our eyes act as a magic-wand for women in Asia to get a better deal?

Telecommunications equipment, the Internet, mass media transmitted via satellite, cable and fibre optics, videotext and fax machines, and databases are opening up new options across the globe.

These new technologies have entered the home. They have influenced not only the individual and family life, but also age-old institutions and values.

Unfortunately, everything is not positive and smooth-sailing. New communications technologies are not as neutral as they first appear to be, says a new book on the subject from the Asian Media Information and Communication Centre (AMIC) of Singapore.

Edited by Ila Joshi, the new book is called Asian Women in the Information Age.
It says: 'Men are considered the first beneficiaries of innovations, while women follow and take over the positions vacated by them. The progress of women is hampered by widespread prejudices regarding their ability to learn and to apply new technology.' In addition, it points out, knowledge and power are concentrated in the hands of the privileged few that own and control the communications system.

This study was done in various Asian countries. It found that India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka and China provided their people with greater access to media like television. In Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand and the Philippines, computer networks are more common. Bangladesh lacks most of these facilities, while Japan has them all.

Yet, in Bangladesh, the new communications technologies are already seen to be making an impact on the lives of some women. A 'Grameen Phone' programme allows rural borrowers, all of whom are women, to buy cellular phones.

Cellular phones, pagers and computers are being used by city-based Sri Lankans every day, whether they are men or women. But this has not solved the special problems being faced by women, and created by war in that island nation. Women have been forced into the role of breadwinners, as men are killed or disabled.

The latest communications technologies have brought the world to Pakistan's doorstep. But the country is still plagued by a low literacy rate and high poverty levels, and its feudal and tribal structure puts women at a distinct disadvantage, and they are not fully able to reap all the benefits of new technologies.

In China - the world's most populous nation - fax machines and the Internet are yet to have widespread penetration. Despite this, new communications technologies are opening up new fields of employment, widening women's perspectives and providing them with a 'frame of reference' to estimate their status in China and around the globe.

In India, the status of women is improving only among the middle-class in urban society. Progress for the lower classes is 'very slow'. New technologies like computers, the Internet and cellphones are available largely in cities, says the AMIC book.

Women's groups in Singapore have tended to use the Internet for publicity and business networking. Women use the communications technology - in particular e-mail and the phone - in an attempt to balance work and home life, too.

'But the social dynamics of teleworking are actually built around, and reinforce, the existing cultural biases that confine women's place to the home,' says the study.
In Malaysia, where the use of computers is widespread, women have been found to have benefited from the modern technologies. They have greater access to information and knowledge.

Thai women say they can get greater power to 'exchange their concerns, opinions, and perceptions' using new technologies. They can also correct, to some extent, the perception of a male-dominated society by participating in government, politics, the business sector and the media industry.

In Indonesia, women feel the new technologies give them a 'better chance to develop'. But the older generation and housewives are not enthusiastic, as they do not have a direct utility for the same.

Only a limited segment of female professionals have been empowered by the new communications technologies, say reports from the Philippines. Most of the rest - like teachers and government servants - lag behind. They are at best marginal users, encoders, telecom operators or administrative assistants.

For the new communciations technologies to be of use to wider segments of the population, and not just a narrow base of society, a lot more needs to be done.

This study suggests the need for policies that work towards equitable access, microcredit or rental programmes, financial cooperation among women, relevant training at the school level, promotion of use in the local language, relevant content, and awareness campaigns among women. - Third World Network Features

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SPECIFICATIONS:
1. Cover page
Top- complete name of school; TWO spaces down-SUBJECT name; TWO space down-TITLE of the papert; TWO spaces down-NAME of student; TWO spaces down-NAME of Instructor.

2. You MUST create your OWN title of the reaction paper. IT will count for the grade. Submissions with "REACTION PAPER" as the title will have points deducted.

3. MINIMUM of 3 PAGES EXCLUDING the cover page. IF you plan to submit the minimum number of pages, MAKE SURE that the 3rd page has AT LEAST 3/4 content.

4. Spacing: 1.5; 1inch indentation; justified; size 12 font Times New Roman.

5. DEADLINE OF SUBMISSION is JULY 25, 2009 12noon. You can submit ON or BEFORE the deadline, late submissions will not be accepted.

ENGLISH COMMUNICATION 1 Reaction Paper (for my students ONLY)

2009-07-15T00:05:00.000-07:00

BREAKING CULTURAL COMMUNICATION BARRIERS
by sally nulph

We live in a culturally diverse world. People will encounter individuals from different races, religions, and nationalities in their day to day encounters. There is often anxiety surrounding unfamiliar cultures. What manners are acceptable? What will offend a person from a very different background? It can be paralyzing to deal with other people if we do not know what to expect. The following suggestions discussed in the manual, Becoming a Master Student, by Dave Ellis are applicable to people in a variety of settings.

The desire to communicate is the first step in being effective. No matter what tools you gain in cross cultural communication. The desire to connect with another human being is the bond that will express itself clearly. A genuine effort to understand another person goes along way in the path to communication.

Knowing about other cultures will help you develop your skills. Be proactive when approaching a new culture. This is a learned skill which means it will require research, practice, and growth. People from different backgrounds may have varied approaches to conflict management, learning styles, family structure, religion, and most other aspects of life. It is impossible to know the varied systems of all cultures, so approach this process one culture at a time as you meet and deal with new people.

When dealing with diverse people look for similarities. Our goals, dreams, and aspirations may be more alike than our skin color. Parenting approaches may differ, but the common bond of a mother and a child crosses many barriers. Most people have basic needs in common, like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs that suggest all people have physiological, safety, acceptance, self-esteem, and self-actualization needs. Considering these things it is easy to see our essential common ground. And this is where we can begin our comprehension of others.

Put your new information about other people into action. Make a personal inventory of your own biases. Where has your ignorance held you back from appreciating other people? What have you learned that makes this old paradigm obsolete? Help to educate people in your family and group of friends about your new leanings. Be careful. People become attached to their ignorance, and have difficulty accepting new ideas. It may have taken you a while to gain the knowledge necessary to deal with people. Encourage others to be open, but know that information is integrated when a person is ready to accept it. Form alliances with people from different cultures to know what challenges they have dealing with your culture. Help the general community to grow by raising awareness and promoting fair treatment for all people.

It is important as you become a promoter of cross cultural communications that you reach beyond stereotypes. These do not represent the population they seek to identify. It is necessary to evaluate people on an individual basis. Stereotypes often reflect the differences in socioeconomic status, religion, or dialect. These differences are apparent in all races and cannot identify one specific group of people. It is important to suspend judgment, avoid misconceptions, narrow perspectives, and immature reactions. Stereotypes often contain a granule of truth, but this tiny truth cannot characterize an entire culture. Getting the whole picture is being active, and thinking critically about people and their behavior.

Ultimately the barriers that exist between cultures are weak We need desire, information, and the willingness to take interpersonal risks to break them. An individual’s ability to be open to new ideas and new people will go a long way in the process of cross cultural communication. It starts with a smile and acceptance. It leads to an exciting new world full of clarity and connectedness.
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SPECIFICATIONS:
1. Cover page
Top- complete name of school; TWO spaces down-SUBJECT name; TWO space down-TITLE of the papert; TWO spaces down-NAME of student; TWO spaces down-NAME of Instructor.

2. You MUST create your OWN title of the reaction paper. IT will count for the grade. Submissions with "REACTION PAPER" as the title will have points deducted.

3. MINIMUM of 3 PAGES EXCLUDING the cover page. IF you plan to submit the minimum number of pages, MAKE SURE that the 3rd page has AT LEAST 3/4 content.

4. Spacing: 1.5; 1inch indentation; justified; size 12 font Times New Roman.

5. DEADLINE OF SUBMISSION is JULY 25, 2009 12noon. You can submit ON or BEFORE the deadline, late submissions will not be accepted.

My name betrayed me

2009-03-18T03:07:00.000-07:00

Eversince I can remember there's always something that happens on or before my birthday--most of the time bad. Bad weather. Scratches here and there. Fights (cat fight?).

So, eto and walang kupas na ka-weirduhan...

See the red line on my nose bridge? That's my 'jinxed' version for my 25th birthday--yipeee!

Frog 'accidentally' dropped my name stand on me--he's kinda clumsy. I was on the bed lying down and he was sifting through the cds for the playstation and BAMMMM!! I thought my face was on fire! Sissy that I am for pain, I cried like a baby. Masakit kaya! Considering that the drop was about 4-5ft! OUCHIEEEE!

Ironic that my own name betrayed me haha! my name stand says: BNX (read as BIANX). I asked frog to get me ice and yes indeed he did! he literally got me ONE cube of ice--di ko naman sinabi na ICES hahaha

Now, I'm having this kinda borderline headache and I feel kinda nauseous.

Jinxed. Happy Birthday to me indeed!

p.s. naka-smile pa ako kahit masakit

3AM

2009-02-28T06:02:00.000-08:00

Its almost 3AM and I still can't sleep. Just watching the program "conviction" hoping that sleep will come by me. One of the scenes showed a grieving mother and I thought of my Mama. I felt nostalgic and sad instantly.

She died 10 years ago of breast cancer--terminal. A few years back, maybe on the 5th year of her death I still felt and thought that she was just away for a vacation. I still felt that any moment she'll stroll into our sala with the grocery bag--with her disheveled hair, asking if Papa's home already. I miss her.

I sometimes feel guilty and sad that as years pass by I'm slowly forgetting how she looked--maybe even, how she was as our mother. I cry whenever these thoughts some. It makes me feel like a bad daughter--exactly how I feel now.

Just sharing.

24 and RANDOMLY WAITING FOR 25

2009-02-19T02:36:00.000-08:00

Today's my last day of work. Inabsent ko pa!
I was born 2 months premature. My left arm and leg came out first--the doctor (or komadrona?) had to push them back in to get me out properly. I still came out legs first.
I love watching investigatory reports, forensics, criminal investigation and criminal-profiling programs. I'm trying to plan THE perfect crime.
I'm obsessed with Chocolate-carrot cake *yum yum*
I easily get annoyed 'by' and 'with' slow thinkers.
You have your planet Earth and I have my own milky way--don't try to visit and say 'you come in peace,' you'll just turn into dust.
I love kinilaw na ampalaya.
I don't do 'terms of endearment.' Never. I don't call my former BF (now my hubby) pumpkin, babe, beh, mahal...and the list goes on, so just stop.
Stilettos. Stilettos. Stilettos.
I can't bend down and touch my toes. I'm physically inept.
I'll keep arguing with you until I say I'm finished.
If I ask you a question and you don't answer me--I'll keep asking the EXACT same question, until you do. Like a parrot. If I don't get the answer that I want, I won't stop asking you either.
I haven't drawn for a year and a half.
I realized while in Timezone that I have bad 'hand-and-eye' coordination--or none probably!
I ONLY and CAN draw women. Men are just too chunky and bulky to draw.
I flunked math in college multiple times.
I love watching old tag-alog movies. I know you do too so shut-up.
I really, really think I should have been born and partying during the 70's. Hippies. Patadyong. Hash. ahlovsit!
My Tito, a couple of years back left his RAV4 car for me to use but my Papa wouldn't let me drive it because he said I might drive it through something metal, cement, or a large trunk of tree/s. Finding out after a few months from my Tito that the car had full insurance. So much for cruising the boulevard.
I can talk with my friends the whole day and I can be mute for more than a day.
I love babies. I'm annoyed with toddlers--I deliberately scare them. One time, I was in MOA reading somewhere, when a little boy hit my leg. He looked at me and smiled. I glared at him and gave him my 'serial killer' look, his smile disappeared and he slowly backed away.
Sarcasm = Katrina Bianca Catan-Yamsuan
If I don't know you, don't talk to me. You might as well talk to the unfinished cement wall on your left.
I will say what I want, when I want to, how I want to say it. Don't expect me to apologize.

PART TWO: REGENT SANTOS

2009-02-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

Earlier today, my area manager, HRG representative, regent santos and I had a meeting about the problem. I tried to stay calm but unfortunately, I wasn't. I was asked to talk about the issue. I did--my voice cracking as the words slip from my mouth, tears started falling. last weekend, I thought I was already OK but clearly, I wasn't.

Regent Santos immediatly started talking, bringing up issues that were totally separate or different from the situation. He was trying to force both our AM and HRG rep to take his side and believe him. HE WAS MOCKING ME--worse, he was doing it without hesitation right infornt of the higher OPS! I can't believe this!

Then, the HRG rep asked me, what I want to happen. I told them since I have definite plans already of resigning in 2 weeks, if possible that I be assigned to a different Team Lead. He retorted, 'better make it quick.' I'm not sure if this being has been advsied that during this kinds of 'sessions' professionalism is greatly admired. So, I didn't take notice of him. Our AM was already signalling for him to stop be he just won't. As if he thought that all this was a game or a joke! Amazing how totally detached he is from reality! I wnated to smack him hard until he becomes sensible but, again, this is the time that professionlism is highly regarded.

Finally, the HRG rep said that being transferred to a different team is not an option. We're stuck with each other until I submit my resignation.

But get this! just a while ago, a collegue asked me if last friday--if in any way did i threaten his family. I told her definitely NO! I may be upset but, I'm not that stupid! She said, because Regent Santos said that I did. OH MY FUCKING GOD! He's playing dirty! It prompted more tears but, I collected myself, took calls and informed our AM about it.

PISSED OFF AND F*CKED UP

2009-02-13T03:54:00.000-08:00

I'm on the verge of a major breakdown.

It could be the time of year that burn-out is just a stone-throw away (like my mind is, literally!). At the moment, I feel like a fish displaced out of the water--squirming, fighting for my dear life! Odd why I used the fish allegory when I don't even like fish.

Moving forward, I feel like the rest of the crowds are buzzing and speeding away and I abruptly stop and watch them slowly turn into a mirage.

Yesterday, my TM (glorified babysitter) decided to piss me off--all hell broke loose! Let's call him MEMA (MEMA-gawa). So, story is, I got all these little love letters from the management--nothing serious, just workstuff and I got 3 of them in a week alone! I, being a control-freak and an introvert, was fighting with myself on what to do. Eventually, I got frustrated and stressed out. I asked for a day-off to figure things out, absorb everything. MEMA just said, you have to be at work. I told him 'I'm on the brink of submitting an immediate resignation,' connoting that its because of all the stress I've been experiencing--mind you, its not about the lil' love letters, it was just me trying to cope. You know what Mema said to me? 'ok, come in and bring your letter.' This made my forehead wrinkle in all diffrent lines, my head started to feel hot (literally!)!

What an insensitive little prick! Here you have obviously a unmotivated, demoralized and unappreciated employee and you give that crappy statement?! I wanted to strangle him, call him and shout at him. But the grace and poise within me decided that I handle it in a formal or legal way. Besides, I didn't want to waste my plan minutes with the fool, sky-high na celphone bill ko!

I emailed my Area Manager. I deserve to be heard.

p.s. meh mga issues din ako against MEMA before pa, but I thought before that it was all fun and play...UNTIL I GET HURT. Too bad.

Parking Lot Issues

2009-02-09T14:41:00.000-08:00

If a couple is your 'Ninang or Ninong' in your wedding, are you allowed to ask aguinaldo for christmas?
A few days after my wedding, my SSS ID arrived--with my 'SINGLE' status. It took me 8 months to get it. NOW, I have to apply for change of STATUS to MARRIED and wait for another 8 months to get it. How convenient. Crap.
As soon as I got back to work, my officemates immediatly asked me if we have a little bun in the oven, already. I said no. Does that come with the territory? Que sera, sera...
When I told my friends and officemates Im getting married, initial reaction was, how 'far' along are you? Are you pregnant? C'mon. Is getting married equal or imply 'pregnant'?
My friends and sister would often times ask me, how's married life? I answer them with: nothing's different except getting used to a new last name. Give me a few months and I'll tell you how it is.

A Wedding at 2 in the Afternoon Under the Stars

2009-02-02T20:28:00.000-08:00

I was able to wear this 'happy' and pretty shoes...and go barefoot (bare feet?) at the reception.

Have 2 more instant flower girls, Princess and Tin-Tin--she sang too during the reception!

Got my lil' sister not arguing or snapping at me the

whole time--even if I was nasty (an understatement, really!) that day.

The whole mass and ceremony wasn't boring--JR and I were laughing from start to finish.

Realized Papa doesn't know what "wacky" means--and we were

able to capture a photo of him smiling (verrrry rare, maybe even the first)!

Had crazy and zany maid of honor, bridesmaids and groomsmen--this is our serious group picture.

L-R: Vanessa, Tata, Ava, Joy--shy daw sila, Then, moi, hubby, Omar dropped to the floor, Moses, CHaxx and Asan (shy din?).

Got some of my fave people there.

Danced with the men in my life. A Papa's girl and a new wife.

Sponsored my friends' separate photo shoot. Paging TATA!

Welcomed a second Mom.

Got the most gorgeous Calla lilies bouquet.

I didn't give it away--saved it for Mama.

Danced and partied under a starry-starry night.

Credits and Thanks

2009-01-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

Thank you Bungek a.k.a Joy-joy for being patient and helping me with everything. I know there were times you wanted to slap me or argue with me--but you didn't.

Thank you Ava, Diane, and Loloy for providng me 'serbisyu publiko.' and taking care of the music and program.

Thank you Vanessa for calming me down in the midst of my shouting and shrieking and helping me get a grip of myself--after you saw me crying!haha

Thank you Tata for being a good sport and a great Host.

Thank you to my groomsmen: Asan, Omar, Chaxx and Moses; my cousins too, for also being patient and making the decorations work.

Thank you to my aunties and uncles who panicked when they heard I was crying with frustration.

Thank you to my Ate Tin-tin for providng me support. We miss you and ikaw nala talaga kulang!

Thank you to my Papa, Daddy-yo, and my new Mama for the support too--you know what I mean.

To my new Hubby, thank you for being patient and not freaking out when I was. You said everything will be fine--it wasn't, it was more than 'fine,' it was the perfect wedding!

Kisses!

xOxO

After the Chaos

2009-01-25T22:08:00.000-08:00

I got married 2 days ago but until now even in my so-called honeymoon i still cant shake off the exhaustion. All the sleep I've done still can't get rested. Now I'm uploading out pictures from our personal camera not yet from the photographers which would be roughly around 4000 they said--typically they just take around 2000 but since the wedding was wayyyy different, they enjoyed clicking away!

We're in Sabin Resort trying to rest and enjoy.

Just A Thought

2009-01-11T03:14:00.000-08:00

It's my restday(s) and I'm alone in my room. Laptop with internet--I have downloaded possibly everything that I could think of. Cable tv--nothing good, figures, its sunday. Bed--I've been asleep more than awake. Hey, what the heck... Last week, I downloaded a couple of pop-ish tag-alog movies, so I decided to watch "For the first time."

Initially I was intrigued by the movie mainly because they shot 1/3 of the movie in Santorini, Greece--and anything on that part of the world is gorgeous (that's what I get from watching too much travel shows and movies set there). I thought, hey, this movie is promising...so, i held on.

Movies generally with stars that are literally everywhere (even in your dreams--worse, in your nightmare) end to be superficial and lack in bearing over-all. And this is exactly what I got. Sad. I thought I was watching a 2-hour commercial! Gawdd!

Before, I liked KC Concepcion because she was the type of girl in showbiz that was very private and rare to see. But since she made her debut on local and commercial TV, she immediately became one or maybe even the most over-exposed person in this country--well, Kris Aquino is an exception because she's on a wayyyy different level of being exposed.

Anyhoooo, she is just greatly annoying in this movie--in anything on TV that requires her acting (if she is). Clearly and visually she's detached from her character and from her partner--it was as if I was watching 2 movies at the same time, Richard's and Kc's! If there's even a description for an actor to be over-acting--she imbibed it!

She's better off not acting--or moving. I would prefer her to be on posters and a few billboards only.

I Too Can Change

2008-12-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

There was a part of my life that I was cruel and heartless at myself.
I was selfish, inconsiderate, and blind.
It may seem that I went through that process differently unlike all others that I've read online, in magazines, and seen on TV.

I chose to move forward.

Just recently, I asked myself if I was able to forgive myself for it. I searched for that certain feeling of lightness--freedom, if I did feel it. That wonderful fleeting emotion when you find closure--like rekindled friendship. No. Never.
Learning from that experience but never really understanding the lesson that it taught me.
I just moved on with my life, it seems. Cruel.

A few friends have approached me these past few years, asking me to help.
I don't want to be a precedent of a unwritten advocacy.

Thinking now, part of my closure for that cruel part of my life is to stop sharing.
To start forgiving myself.

I've got THREE points

2008-11-20T21:27:00.000-08:00

1. My throat hurts like hell but I chose to sing my heart out--in the bathroom.

2. The princess is bored.

3. I have to sleep to get things done.

ciao!

Realizations

2008-11-17T22:52:00.000-08:00

With my iPod blaring and waiting fora site to start playing their 'free' movie, I realized

My wedding's 2months away and I haven't done anything major yet
That its only wednesday tomorrow--I thought it was friday yesterday, para weekend ulit!
The resort I m eyeing has crappy food
I have cable and DSL bills to pay
That I'm homesick
That my playlist still includes songs that I used to listen to in HS--j.hewitt!haha
That I'm excited because I'm going home nextweek to tacloban
That i have to sleep ASAP
Sad that I'll be in tacloban for the weekend only
I still haven't completed my requirements for my MA
I'm tired...

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Now I know why women become 'housewives' after they get married because the wedding preparations are just wayyyyyy too stressful--underrated! Beyond stressful!

The typical conversation my fiance' and I have is:

GIRL: have you called your tita to confirm if they will be able to attend?
BOY: Yes, but she asked me to call her back next week. Hey, have you seen my new set of Magic cards? I got this rare card that's worth like P800! ***talks some more about stuff that I don't really udnerstand***
GIRL: (interrupts) when is your mom flying in? diretso na ba siya tacloban?
BOY: Yeah she is, on the 23rd...uyyy yun nga, yung kinekwento ko, me tournament blah blah blah blha blah blah
GIRL: (BOY still talking at the background, INTERRUPTS again) ARE your groomsmen complete?

see? 24/7 wedding, wedding, wedding!

Seriously, I want to be a housewife after all this!

F*ck the financial Market!

2008-11-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

After 5 business days of waiting if my money has been credited back to my account, I called up BPI to check on it. **very long hold music** Thank you for waiting ma'am, according to our system it wasn't BPI who debited your account. It was Citibank. Tired and annoyed, I retorted. So, you made me wait for FIVE FREAKIN' BUSINESS DAYS TO FUCKIN TELL ME THAT?! Nobody even bother to contact me, I gave out my contact details for cryin' out loud! This is me frustrated because I'm talking in straight conversational english (which I doubt its 'conversational since it's only me talking--monologue na).

The girl didn't know how to react. As expected, Did you get the name of the agent who you talked to (siya nagsabi nun, WITH dapat, TANGA!)? Miss, DUHH thats why she gave me a reference number. She talked some more with things she really doesn't understand. Then I said, miss, next time get your jobs right! Busy tone on the agent's end.

Pissed and annoyed because I was on hold for a long time and given an absurd andswer. I switched from channel to channel and saw Patrick the starfish. After a few seconds, I realized it was tagalized! Damnit! How can you enjoy Spongebob in that case? Why do they assume and think that tagalized Dora, spongebob, etc are marketable?

Capitalismo ibagsak! I'm babbling.

Panic ATTACK!

2008-11-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

OH MY F**KING OF ALL THING HOLY!

I'm experiencing my first panic attack with my wedding plans! The very expensive resort where I want to hold my wedding reception with no-outside-caterers-allowed-only-our-own-resto rule is said to have bad food! argggggghhhhhhhhhh! and to think they charge P350/person! My baby sis was told that the Ginat-an tasted sour--how the fu*k can you do that?! its just coconut milk and sugar for the sabaw!

My ate says, 'didn't you have a Plan B?'

Yeah, I sorta-kinda-have but just in worst-case scenario--I never thought it would be this soon that i should be using it! Sabin is OK but nothing special about the place, i want the grandeur of Caluwayan. The jaw-dropping view. The romance of the whole place g*ddamnit!

Do you think its OK if I called the resort up and say: HEY, I HEARD YOU HAVE VERY CRAPPY FOOD! CAN I BRING MY OWN CATERER?

come with?

Sugar-high!

2008-11-11T22:57:00.000-08:00

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I just found on-line the PERFECT wedding favors! The moment i saw the picture I felt like a girl being tickled crazy...I fell in-love with out--to the point that I don't want to give it as a party favor but to keep all of them to myself! haha *CONCENTRATE CONCENTRATE*

The problem is that they're US-based--well, semi-problem...I can just buy it on-line and have it delivered to my mother-in-law's residence and some family members are planning to go back here so, I'll have them bring it.

I'd like to show you a picture of it but I'm spoiling the excitement for my own party--I'm a party-pooper for my own party! How ironic! hahaha I'd try to delay my gratification, we'll see...hehe

I have so much things now scribbled in my starbucks planner (that i never used because I'm never a good planner) and its turning out to be a sketch-book-journal-planner-notepad, wheewww! And i even bought a new pen with black, blue and red ink in one, isn't that cool?!

Well, back to my scribbling. Wait! I have work later on, ain't I suppose to sleep now? anyhoooo...ciao!

Wedding Panic!

2008-08-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

My wedding's a few months away only and my fiance and I barely scratched the surface on what needs to be done! I want to panic but I'm too lazy these days to do that and besides I have like a million stuff to think about--school (im taking m Master's degree) and work.

Oddly, my fiance's the one doing most of the pre-planning! he said that since I'm preoccupied and so as not to be shouted at by me, he'll try to do most of the stuff if he can...awwww he's the greatest, no? As soon as I get my other stuff done or settled, I'll be on 'bridezilla' mode! haha

We found this site that gave us a checklist--5 pages long with font 8! so, my husband-to-be went ahead and found another simplier checklist for the two of us, lookie here:

1. Church Requirements
2. Wedding Venue & Reception
3. Catering
4. Wedding Gown/Shoes
5. Barong/Shoes
6. Invitation
7. Photographer
8. Video Coverage
9. Musicians
10. Honeymoon Arrangements
11. Wedding Cakes
12. Color Theme
13. Entourage Design
14. Florist/Event Stylist
15. Secure Deposit with Suppliers
16. Bridal Registry
17. Thank you Gifts
18. Wedding Rings
19. Marriage License
20. Make up Artist & Hairstylist
21. Bridal Car

Don't forget also the following ceremonial items:
1. Rings
2. Candles and Holder
3. Ring Pillows
4. Flower Girl Baskets
5. Guest Book and Pens
6. Veil
7. Cord
8. Arrhae
9. Unity Candles

Long list...

We're hoping for a church wedding but if our budget leads us short then, we'll do a civil wedding and after a couple of years we'll do the church wedding. My fiance being the sweetest person I know is really vying to do the church wedding for me so that I can have my dream wedding daw...so sweet.

Next month, were flying home to Tacloban to do the traditional ritual of Pamanhikan. I told my Dad about it and he just said laughingly, No need for that! Well, I insisted on having one! haha and besides he won't be spending anything for that Pamanhikan...only on the wedding! haha

Daydreamin' about HOUSE

2008-08-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

Just a few hours ago I customized my wallpaper on my laptop, from the boring default wallpaper of windows, now its...HUGH LAURIE a.k.a. Dr. Gregory HOUSE.

Honestly, this guy's 'mature' in the sense that he's old enough to be my Uncle--Dad even. But there's something about the lines on his forehead, the folds and wrinkles on the edges of his blue eyes and his semi-smile that makes him oh so damn sexy! Don't forget the white hair carefully scattered on his head that just makes you stop, sit and daydream about him. I will never know what is it about men that makes them sexy when they have this "seasoned" look oh so sexy! i.e. george clooney, richard gere, my 'proverbial one' **wink**

Currently, I'm making my term paper for my EDR 221 course for my Master's but I'm drawn short because of all these daydreaming and my timidness...idle mode. hayyyyyyyyy... my restday's almost over and my term paper's due this friday so, what else can you expect from me...cramming-mode!

DREAMS: rational or irrational

2008-06-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

I'm going home in about two weeks to visit my family and specially my grandmother. My Dad and aunties think that it would be soon that she'll...

I recall about a few weeks ago, I dreamt that Mama and Nanay (my grandma) were sleeping together in the couch. My Mama was humming or patting her to sleep. My Mama died 9 years ago of Breast Cancer. Being a occassional-superstitious individual, as soon as I woke up, I cried. I got worried but more sad that my irrational thoughts might be rational...sooner.

You see, for a few months now, my Nanay has been bed-ridden. Hasn't been herself lately. I mean, usually when one of her children or grandkids visit her, she'll be all over them (us). She'll grab us by one arm and do her repetitive questions. While, we wait and pray for her to beckon for another grandchild. But now, she just stays in bed quiet; non-chalant of whoever comes in to kiss her. She'll just mumble something then doze off.

I texted my little sister (and beinh quite a blabbermouth), she told my Dad and my very religious and all-too-superstitious aunt about it. Thus, making them worry.

They say and I've read that dreams are ways to 'share' the news or what future beholds by are loved-ones who passed away. And for the past few years, rarely have I dreamed of Mama. Could it be true?

I have never really entertained the thought of living without my grandmother. Eversince, I had this concept that she'll always be there when I have my kids, then my grandkids, and so on...

Now, it scares me to the bone thinking that I really might lose and not see her ever again.

***

I have been living in Metro Manila for more than a year now. I like it here but i don't like the part of gaining wait while liking living here.

I have gained 20 pounds or even more since I've been here and I don't like it at all. Not only that, it's been harder for me to shed the pounds off (it was easy to do so when I was still living in Cebu)--or maybe I'm just too old already and reached the point where a surgical intervention is the only way to lose them. Methinks--NOT!

Medically, I am 'over the ideal weight for my height & age'--it sounds terrible saying the shortcut. Overweight.

Am I Getting Old?

2008-03-18T01:36:00.000-07:00

The last time I went home to Tacloban (actually, the last couple of times) there was a certain feeling of displacement in me.

During my student years, my girlfriends and I would usually walk from school until the downtown area to catch the jeep that would take us home. And along that road, we'd usually bump into friends and schoolmates or whoever that we know that usually make our triptime triple than normal. There would be an obligatory exchange of small talk or of course, a talk that would require even the whole trip.

As I traced back the steps that I usually took back in the days when I was a student, the same crowded boradwalks, same crowded department store. Even the vendors that sold different delicacies and odd-stuff were the same but, the people walking the opposite direction was no longer the same. I no longer bumped into one of my friends or acquintance that a certain nod would acknowledge that I saw them; a small chit-chat that would usually cause congestion in the middle of the boradwalk--I no longer hear the grumping and yelling of people behind me. Everyone that I saw were new faces--unfamiliar and nonchalant (and some even hostile).

I felt awkward and left out. Am I growing old?

When I got home, I sat on my familiar corner of our house (outside the garage, near the trashcan), how I wished I bumped into some of my friends. I don't care if they look older--or even younger. I just wanted something to represent that I still belonged in this place, that some people still knew me before I became what I am right now.

"Bianx?" someone called me from inside the house, my boyfriend.

Maybe I am old. And maybe, I changed.

The Loss of Beauty Pageants

2008-03-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

Let me post an excerpt from PEP that I read about the transcript of No.15's answer for the Q&A,

THE BOOBOO. Janina initially wowed the audience when she confidently told the pageant host Paolo Bediones, "No, I don't feel any pressure right now."

However, Janina looked like she had a hard time maintaining this impression when one of the judges, Ms. Vivienne Tan, asked her the question, "What role did your family play to you as candidate to Binibining Pilipinas?"

When she answered the question, Janina started to show some nervousness, which caused her to lose her focus and started speaking in atrocious English. She replied, "Well, my family's role for me is so important because there was the wa... They're... They was the one who's very..." then, she laughed upon realizing her mistakes.

Trying to keep herself calm and composed, Janina continued, "I'm so sorry, Ahhmm... My pamily... My family... Oh my god... I'm... Ok, I'm so sorry... I... I told you that I'm so confident... 'Eto, wait..." This was followed with a laugh again after realizing that she uttered a Tagalog word.

Despite the blunder, Janina managed to finish answering the question. As if asking the audience to understand her, Janina went on saying, "Sorry guys because this was really my first pageant ever because I'm only 17 years old. I did not expect that I came from, I came from one of the top [which she pronounced as "tough"] ten. So... But I said that my family is the most important persons in my life. Thank you."

I had my tirades of joining pageants, so I have a tiny right to comment about her 'show'.

In these kinds of 'contests/pageants' its a prerogative for you to have a sense of thought or opinions, not necessarily about everything but, 'some' will do as long as its comprehensible and coherent. And by winning, apparently you will become the delegate or the representative of our country for international pageants--I am confident that the Phils. has the beauty &brains package.

When answering questions, go directly to the point. Do not blabber OR EVEN make excuses on how incompetent you turned out to be (she said she was just 17 and its her first time), for God sakes! You should have the decency to at least, learn some training when you joined the Bb. Pilipinas.

To Jenina, you should have waited and joined more pageants before you did the big one. The little contests gives you a perspective and right training on what you should present to the audience and the judges. Pageants like such doesn't concentrate on your body statistics and how good you look--it always needs to have something behind the superficial, Brains.

I'm outraged by your senselessness.

Bb. Pilipinas Idiocy

2008-03-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

Have you guys seen or watched the Bb. Pilipinas 2008 last night?

What a circus it was for the candidates! My Gawd! It's embarrassing what kind of individuals our country i.e. educational system are producing!

So as you'll know, I had my share of joining beauty pageants and somehow I have an ide what goes on backstage, onstage, and in the minds of the candidates.

No. 15 won?! What the F**K were the judges thinking?! I mean, didn't they notice the whole gap of intelligence the said candidate had (which was NADA)? SHe snorted, laughed funny infront of thousands, gave an incoherent answers and even went TagLish, apologized for her stupidity and overconfidence and ended with the most moronic and worst grammar-ed answer!

I'm not sure if there was something fishy goin' on. Honestly, I wasnt able to watch the part where they provide the rules and regulations for the final 5, but, 'ideally' on the final round it should go back to zeros and any other points will not be considered/

Sad to say, her kind wil be the one to represent our country for the international pageants. I won't ne surprised if she didnt even make it to pre-final rounds!

Goodluck to whoever is keepin her ass afloat!

another year, another blog

2008-03-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

My natal day is a few days away and I don't have any freakin' money! I've maxed out my credit cards; I've spent the loan I asked from my Dad in a flash (literallymoney just went through my hands) but, mind you, I paid my pending bills from it.

My 'Pet' gave me an early birthday gift--a PLAYSTATION PORTABLE aka PSP. I appreciate it, I mean, I'm a gadget-lover-kinda-gurl and I would love anything that I can toy around but, honestly...I dunno, something off about it--maybe its just me. Anyway, I'm starting to enjoy playing with it (so far I have Silent Hill Origins and Medievil); keepin' me busy if my 'Pet' is too preoccupied playing with the Playstation2 (yeah, I know, we have two playstations already--get over it!) on the TV--I'm a certified TV addict so, I get bored easily if i don't have anything to do.

Most likely he got the PSP for his entertainment purposes--his outmost ulterior motive haha! aA gift is a gift.

I'm turning a year older and so far I don't feel anything 'joyful' or celebratory about it. It sucks. But, hey, I'll just milk my Dad to give me a gift for his currently-unemployed-gorgeous daughter.

Come to think of it, what have I achieved so far for my 23rd year here on this planet?

Hope Floats!

2008-03-07T09:28:00.000-08:00

Patrick: Spongebob, I wish I was a starfish...
Spongebob: But, Patrick, YOU ARE a starfish!
Patrick: SEE! wishes do come true!

This is not the exact transcript of the said episode in Spongbob Square Pants but, its in the same context in that episode. But my point here is, with the naivete of Patrick and all his innocence unconsciously presents a bold message that we shouldn't lose hope at all--even with our simplest and most mundane dream or want.

Dreaming is free. But when reality sets in, when you act on your dream it tends to be expensive and complicated.

***

I just submiited my application for a Master's degree at University of the Phils Open University. I'm hoping that I would be considered for a slot--I'm gearing up for a Master in Development Communication.

The thought of going back to school this coming June gives me the highs. I feel like I'm in elementary school; all excited and happy about using my new notebooks, pens and pad paper for the first day of class!

Also, I asked one of my professors (my fave actually) to fill-in one of the recommendation forms and I was delighted that she had high praises and heartwarming comments and impressions about me during my undergraduate years with her. Do understand that this woman of high intellect greatly affected my perception and outlook in life, knowledge, and passion. She's none other than the great Merlie Alunan--one of the most poignant writers today.

Looking forward to it!

Dirt that comes with it-nostalgia

2008-03-07T08:55:00.000-08:00

After 3 gruelling days of cleaning, organizing, arranging and settling in my new place, I've finally put things in their proper place (excluding mg Ate's left-behind stuff). Though the space is limited but as what my Ate says, lesser floor area, lesser area for cleaning--which is always a good thing.

The problem is, my skin didn't seem to agree with all the dirt, dust, and grime that came with the move. Annoyingly, I have these bumps and rashes like 'things' all-around my neck! It's disgusting!

Anyway, I'm on bum-mode 'til the 23rd of March which is good so I can fully relax and recharge for whatever electrolytes and braincells that my former company took from me. Only problem is: I have no cash. So, at this point, I'm living off from the loan I asked from my Dad.

A few days ago while I was removing the running stitch that my Ate did on the curtain, it dawned on me and somewhat made me kind of nostalgic of that exact same sitting position that i was--left leg under my ass, knife on my right hand and humming away the song that my grandmother sings when she's bored and praying. I missed my childhood and everything relative to that part of my life.

When I was half my current age right now (hahah no, I'm not telling!), my siblings and I would spend our entire summers in my Mom's hometown (so kinda rural area with limited electricity allocation per night and no cable). In the afternoons after we've awoken from our siesta slumber (which, of course we were threatened that no snacks for anyone not sleeping on siesta time--that would be a complete bummer!), my Aunt Estela (the eldest) would be sewing in the library area which, leads to the common room (on the 2nd floor)--where were all sprawled altogether with the mess that we've made making different dresses for our Barbie dolls (most of them had a freaky make-up on and a hideous haircut because then our baby sister would give them unsolicited haircuts). Which, most of the time would turn out to be a multi-media art because the dresses would be incorporated with diffrent materials, from cloth to papers, to even stones found on the rooftop. Then, one of my Aunts would shout that merienda's ready which would cause more mess because we'd hastily run and bolt like lightning heading downstairs (my male cousin would usually use the banister as a shortcut).

That was how simple life for us was. Waking up, doing chores, playing, meals, siesta, and more playing.

Now, I have to wake up as early as possible; organize/plan the day's activities which inlcudes chores; complete the plans; budget money; and all these complicated stuff that can make you throw away your wits out of the window. That I would love to do and act lunatic for a day or a week even would be fun!

untitled

2007-01-13T19:05:00.000-08:00

What does it take to keep a perfect relationship? An eternal dilemma that I by chance once again encountered.

This question does not only speak of romantic relationship (too cliché) but, this also delve into the core meaning of friendship—a relationship I would rather focus my emotion.

Honestly, I don’t have that many friends. I can easily categorize them through the four stages of my life (most of them has got to do with school): friends from grade school; high school; college and work. And with that I can easily take note on how they call me, those who call me by my first name are from the first 2 category and those who call my by my second name and a mix of my whole name (given, middle and even my last name, however they arrange it) are from the last two. Easy, right? But how I kept them that took a lot of hard work and effort.

What really makes a friend? I can give you a thousand reasons (but not right now) on how to but of course, it always doesn’t follow or apply to everyone’s personal relationships.

I’m a loyal friend. You might have heard a gazillion times about being there through ‘thick and thin’ and dismiss it as hearsay or rubbish or even NA but for me literally through thick and thin. I’ve dropped important meetings, family gatherings, or even work/school stuff just to make sure that my friends do not hang themselves alone.

I’m protective. I can even go to war (even if they say you should fight your own battles) if I have to—I’ve gotten myself into deep shit for feuds that totally has nothing to do with me but a friend asked me to.

I compromise. As you know, you can’t get the best of both worlds. I meet them halfway and if I can give more of my half, I do. I remind them that they too are human (of course they too help me stay one). You show them the clear picture without embellishment or the need of buttering them up. Blunt but not harsh.

Let me emphasize that I am not posing as a professional in this discussion but I am merely sharing what I think. Like most of you, I too am an amateur.

We must keep in mind that there’s a great difference between giving them advice and telling them what to do. Giving advice is being logical when your friends are illogically embracing null reasoning (with a personal touch of course) while, telling them what to do is completely having no regard on your friend’s feelings and disposition—similar to a colonel yelling out orders.

I had a thought earlier, to be a good friend you need to welcome the thought of having multiple personalities. But of course, I do not mean neither do I imply being a hypocrite (that’s one of the biggest boo-boo and no-no). With this thought, I meant that when a friend of yours is in ‘dire’ need (or maybe she/he just needs to talk with) of comfort and coincidentally, you are in the midst of self-pity, you should be prepared to smile and give your friend a nice warm hug and a comforting tone that can slowly elevate their not-so-happy disposition (you can always go back to your self-pity-mode when you’re alone in your bathroom and your staring at yourself in a life-size mirror).

Betraying a friend could be the worst thing you can do. Trust me, I’ve been betrayed before—not pretty. I cried about it between 3-4 weeks EVERYDAY. It felt like a certain part of you has been gnashed out without anesthesia and you know it won’t ever heal. It just keeps bleeding. If I had to choose between the feeling of breaking-up with your decade-old boyfriend and being betrayed by a close friend (the one you told of all the embarrassing stuff that happened to you and maybe the one who owed you a gazillion bucks)—I’d chose the latter. That’s how bad it is.

Meeting and making friends is a piece of cake but keeping them—now that’s the test of endurance and how much you’re willing to give and share.

I choose my friends that’s why I only have a bunch—but a good one.

Jan. 3 ‘07

DISPLACED

2007-01-13T19:02:00.000-08:00

The year ended with a lot of fireworks display. I was on top of our apartment complex trying hard not to break my neck from looking up and saying, ooooohhhhhh everytime the flare opens up into different colors in the sky.

Though the year ended with a bang, blowing the ironies and bitterness of 2006 into bits and pieces of ashes—my baggage didn’t. Time of contemplation and counting your graces for most of the people I know, mine: resentment and vague closures (technically, no closure yet) of issues.

I wake up everyday disoriented. I feel displaced. I look around in my room and my mind just registers, Cebu, Cebu, and Cebu; I go out for work and as I sit inside the bus, all I familiarize with is Cebu. I ask myself, Why?

There’s only one explanation I can think of: I’m not yet over Cebu and the relative issues that comes with the place. I thought I was as I declared before. This is not a good thing.

As always, I feel alone and miserable here. I expected it. Clearly, I left unresolved issues just to get away from the stress and frustration they were putting on me. I ran away from my job, the Hulk, and myself. I hurriedly packed my bags and sped off. My friends were clueless and my family shocked (but they had to put up the supportive mode). All I gave them were scraps of explanation (which were a bit defensive), nods and little white lies just to hide the fact that I’m slowly falling apart inside. I’m strong (they say). I’m tough (they say). I’m not.

Now, as I have more time being alone and miserable, I become more alone and miserable. I’m just waiting for the time that all my thoughts go out the window and gradually my rationale leaves me with a pillbox on my hands. Then, BOOM! I’m out. Sweet deal.

Jan. 1 ‘07

MOVING FORWARD

2006-12-12T05:13:00.000-08:00

I’ve moved on. I left Cebu for the best of me. I moved to Manila (Pasay City to be exact) to find greener pastures economically and of course, to get better options of men.

Cebu is a melting pot of horndogs (Kurt C.), middle-aged frustrated men (The Hulk), sissies, and a good share of freakishly –annoying men (freaky boy). The sissy part is the common denominator of the rest. Coincidentally, all three contacted me for the past couple of months. And funny thing is, the word NO is a bit popular these days.

Kurt C. texted me last month informing me that it’s his birthday and that he was alone in his pad. He asked me if I would like to come over, I asked him why. Then without hesitating, he asked me if I would like to sleep (have sex) with him. I answered him bluntly, NO. I mean, I could have before, when I was still smitten by him. But, now, Na-ah! Repulsion is stronger.

Then, Freaky Boy under the influence of alcohol asked for a kiss. According to him, since I’m moving, I can just spare him a little kiss. Bluntly, without any effort to sound or look apologetic, I said NO.

Finally, I met up with The Hulk a couple of days before I left. I couldn’t get him off me. His hands and lips were all over me. Being an asshole for all times, he told me without hesitation (what’s up with this men?!) that he owned me. And that I shouldn’t sleep with another guy or even have a relationship with anybody. That made me laugh. But the cherry on the pie was when he told me that he too would be moving to Manila either the next month or first thing next year. That caught my attention. I told him bluntly, NO.

The problem with this guy is that he’s very territorial and possessive without having concrete grounds for it. He thinks that I’m a piece of object that he can carry around whenever he wants to. He has to go.

Cebu is so yesterday.

I’ve moved on and the last thing I need is baggage and doubts. Besides, I’ve set myself on a new prospect. I don’t want to ruin my chances with my past looming over me. That’ll blow my luck.

UN-LOVE THEE?

2006-12-12T05:12:00.000-08:00

Sitting alone on a bus home, the most random thought came over me. When you’ve UN-loved a person and you sleep on one bed, you no longer feel the urge to be in a dermis-to-dermis contact with them. Even if for the longest time all your body knew was his smell, the texture of his skin, and the little breaths that you feel on your forehead almost every night.

Everything in this world has a thin line in-between relationship, friendly or romantic. And it’s always hard to go back to either disposition after you’ve crossed the line. It’s always awkward and weird. Either ways that each one of us has trespassed, disappointment and hurt feelings will always be the collateral damage for both parties. Always, each party has a different version and understanding of the situation. But either way, neither of both parties has greater pain. Everybody hurts all the same, but like fingerprints, no pain is the same. People just have different ways of experiencing and dealing with theirs.

A few months back, all I ever wished for was to be in his ‘nook’ every morning. To feel his arms around me everytime I wake up in the middle of the night. After everything that happened and took place, and after some nights spent with him without any commitment nor expectations, the farther I am from him when I wake up in the middle of the night, and even when I wake up in the morning—I’ll be on the opposite side of the bed. I preferred to be on MY space/side.

Do these actions come with the boundaries after the break-up? Personally, I don’t think so. My hypotheses: These said actions are sub-unconsciously formulated and acted out by our brain and our heart, like a withdrawal symptom for the addicted. As moving on gradually proceeds, the more the body repels the opposite being, flushing out the toxins that inhibited the system for a long period. Yes, you may still know his smell, the texture of his skin or even his very footfall, but it’s never the same. I call this, the process of UN-loving.

But, of course, there will always be slidebacks, minor and major ones. Just last night, after having a CSI marathon, I couldn’t sleep afterwards. The more the weather teased me. Cold winds, rain, crickets, and a playlist in my ipod specifically for ‘those’ times. Unfortunately, my brain and my heart already created an anti-self pity/depression strategy: after every good memory, a bad one would follow. It will always be your choice to either move on or wallow in whatever negative emotional stress you prefer of maybe even a buffet of that. The latter is always a good choice.

There’s no point crying over spilt milk. As what I would tell my friends, move on. There will always be better (fill name here)’s that you’re going to meet. Or maybe even a whole new name that you can fill on these line: (fill name here) is my one true love. (You can explain and expound here if you like)

Hate Mail

2006-11-20T22:14:00.000-08:00

Let me share to you guys an email i sent to my ex-bf...i'm just too pissed right now.

gil ryan serohijos villamor, did you send me cheryll's contact details in my yahoo msgr? bad, bad idea damnit! you do know that cheryll has access to your coolzmooth email, right?

can you not control her since your apparently a very controlling person! i do not have the time of day to talk to her because she knows for a fact that all i have is bullshit to slap at her. again, as i have reiterated to you before, i do not appreciate this harrassment and crudeness. i'm the freakin victim here of YOUR cheating and she still thinks in her dillusioned head that she is. if she's too obssessed with you then just tell her to fuckin go back here in the philippines and put you on a leash so she wont manage to loose you in your philanderings.

cherish the fact ryan, that i still have a bit of respect and humanity for you. and if you really want to go after me when i get my ass detached from your limbo, please dont. im better off without you and always have been. tell your girlfriend to leave me alone. both of you. stay away from my heart. i can confidently say that i do not love you anymore.

have a good life both of you.

10 Things I Got On This Vacation

2006-11-20T22:03:00.000-08:00

1. Saw my Lola and aunts and at the same time, i got scolded a whole lot by my aunts (thats their way of saying, we missed you).
2. Spent time with my siblings and father and at the same time, getting my ass kicked like the old days (thats what we call in the family, bonding).
3. Got a tan but got sunburned (now where was the sunblock lotion when i needed it).
4. Once again tasted my Dad's pork humba.
5. Declared honorary maid.
6. Saw my two bestfriends and at the same time got my closet raided by the two (bad idea).
7. Declared honorary cashier at my aunt's bakery (well, at least im the pretty cashier with an ipod).
8. Cooked a whole lot.
9. Experienced for the first time drinking at Magsasay Blvd. (yey! i have simple dreams ye know).
10. Bored myself to death most of the time.

huh?

2006-09-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

There’s no turning back. I’m packing my stuff and leaving this place (actually, packing my stuff to Tacloban and then move to Manila). The apartment where I will be staying will be ready by the 10th of next month. My elder sister, Gaela is all fired up with our plan and of course, my elder brother recently mentioned that he’ll like to move in with his retarded sisters. So, there’s nowhere else to go but there.

I’m not the type of person that runs off to every chance I can not to face my problems or issues in life. I face them even if my knees are trembling horribly; even if my stomach is about to spurt a tub-full of vomit; and even if I have people bickering at the back, telling me that I’m being an idiot again. But of course, before I face my fear, I weight the options and choices that I have. I don’t want to go into battle without any bullets or a bullet-proof vest OR even pepper-spray in my pocket—now, that would be idiotic. At this point, staying in this god-forsaken company will only be the most idiotic option that I could choose. I’d rather frolic around and find some greener pastures in the highly congested and polluted area of Metro Manila.

As you might remember, if you scroll down my blog entries, I earlier had an issue choosing between PASSION or MONEY. I asked a ton-load of people from professionals to students and even kids on what would be the ideal or best option. Their opinions varied—a lot that resulted to a headache and the familiar scene in my head of the Devil and Angel arguing. I chose money.
Funny thing is that, I observed that, whenever I ask one of my friends or even random people I barely know. They would first give me this certain look…as if searching for a hint on my face (sometimes body) for the answer that I wanted to hear. Then, they’d fall silent for a few seconds. Give their point of view but then will say, BUT, whatever you chose…etcetera, etcetera. I also noticed (during random chats with my friends) that whenever people ask for advice, they would unconsciously provide the answers to their friends. Basically, all of us (yep, im including mahself here) just want to hear from other people the exact same thing that we have in our freakin brains. Because, for me, we’re just too sissy enough to stand for ourselves and face the relative consequences whichever option we choose. We plainly want to hear them out loud—of course, in the safety of other people’s mouths so that in the end, if everything turns out bad or not according to plans we have those ‘people’ to blame and to bicker with…blackmail is also in the list. Pathetic lil’ beings we are.

Wait. When did this blog entry became a ‘venting-because-I-hate-my-life post?

My Fermenting Proverbial One

2006-09-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

I foresee my proverbial-one-concept to be back in the trash bin as what my other pseudo-relationship obsessions turn out to be. Half of my friends attempt to humor me that what I aspire at this point is in GREAT impossibility (note that it’s in bold letters). I would ask them for logical reasons for their remark but they cannot even start to explain—well, they can’t even give plausible reasons. I’d stick with my denial.

Well, slowly I am realizing that this certain “like” is starting to wane. Besides the fact that I actually just humiliated myself a few days ago—thanks to liquor, I have given my friends the permission to kill me, in public if they wish. No other form of embarrassment can be greater to what I just did.

I, under the influence of brandy, declared unto him (through SMS that is) that I have the ‘thing’ for him. Damnit.

Up until now, I still ram my head against the wall to remind me of how stupid I am. And I do hope and pray (even if I don’t practice that anymore) that I didn’t scare him. Sh*t.

But in the midst of my cloud-nine-boredom-of-my-work, I still manage to daydream (oh, wait that’s one of my hobbies) about him. Le sigh, le sigh. Now, the song in my brain is the song being sung (whutttt redundancy) by Adam Sandler in the movie 50 First Dates...the one by the Beach Boys, Wouldn’t It Be Nice. Le sigh, le sigh again. I’ll be downloading that song in my iPod later.

How can I not stop thinking and daydreaming about him? Self-established; Famous for his works in multi-awarded films; again, a VERY intellectual person. Down-to-earth (corny); weird also; the thought of him gives me goose bumps. Now that’s freaky—perfect for me! I remember telling him during one of our chats that ‘normal’ guys pursue me, but they don’t interest me because I’m weird—an oddity that can be an abomination if paired and mixed with normal human beings with normal dispositions.

Le sigh, le sigh mon amour. Damnit.

mixed race

2006-09-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was doomsday for our program. We'll have the final curtain effective Oct. 30. I dont really give a damn neither do i feel so melodramatic. What's new anyway? hahah

Funny thing is (i'm surrounded by funny and most of the times corny people), one of our team leads said that our client manager is a mix of Spanish and Negro descent. Out of the blue, he blurted out. He's Spangro.

So right.

***

I havent been updating anything in this blog, i'm bury trying to be busy.

My Yummy Proverbial One

2006-09-07T16:29:00.000-07:00

I'm going nuts again. I have met my ideal proverbial one. Slowly and surprisingly i am feeding the incessant obsession for him.

An intellectual. He has wisdom for even mundane things. A soft-spoken individual with such finesse for everything in this world. Though he's in the high heavens galloping with everything he wishes and loves, he still manages to be a part of the crowd.

I am wishing hard, even to the extent of wishing to a wishing well that my colleague found on one of our 'excursions'--in which for sure, that wishing-well is profit based for the well-wished owner.

Yesterday, i could not stop staring at him. I pretended to be listening to every word he was saying--actually, i was listening to him intently, i didn't want to miss anything he was saying. He has nice flawless and rosy skin. Sexy. Nice teeth. Euphimistic laughter. Even the white-strands of hair and his gotee was sexy--exuding intelect. my own George Clooney--le sigh, le sigh. A man of passion and nothing else. How i wanted to hug him and kiss him. Years never really stopped me from admiring someone, especially with his intellect (why can i not stop talking about his intellect?).

But, he is heavens...and i am earth. For now i will suffice my longing for him with the times we were together...and how SEXXXYYYY and YUMMMMYYY he looked.

A Tribute to all of you...

2006-08-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

When you enter the operations floor in the WorldClass, WorldWild, Inc. (a call center), you will immediately notice the buzz of teams trying desperately to catch up and be the number one in the ranking.

Team Pirates' TL is telling an agent, when i talk to you, look at me (he thinks he's the uber-buff coach)! If you check Team Mirror, you will see their TL (the ifeminite one but a looker also) smiling and softly saying, we'll go out after the shift...Ayala here we come. While Team Happy's TL is happily bouncing about with the tune of hip-hop on his side. On the side is Team Eyebrows, their TL busily typing away on her keyboard, totally nonchalant of the members (this one is the negatively obssessed with sales--fraud!). Team Denim's TL is quietly smiling about in the middle of the floor, chatting with the other TL (calling him Daddy). The Team Shinee's TL is galloping his way out with the lovely golden chick. If you check the middle of the floor, you'll notice the 'island.' The ever present and workaholic Queen Bee (a head turner) is in the midst of her concentration, you'll even catch her muttering some incoherent lines (must be the downside of the job title).

Suddenly a raucous laughter is heard from the right end of the floor. A whiteboard with black and white pictures taped all around it, marks the sales for the day with a line on the right side, happy ka? A tall almost bald guy, Lex Luthor and a girl with golden highlights, on her hair is standing,Kate Moss laughing loudly. The Pharoah with his left hand on his nape, is snickering. Captain Planet is seen on kneeling on top of his chair, turning and turning and turning some more, commenting with his endless dilemma of making a ton-load of sales. Blondie Cruz is on the end of the row, reading the TOS (and thinking, where's the camera?). Princess Mi-At y Elorde (logged out again for no purpose) is in the middle of the group, sitting on the ergonomic chair, blushing because as always, she's become the focal point of green jokes. Stargazer Bandit is sitting on a chair with he left leg under her, laughing; Audrey Hepburn is standing on the other side of the row, laughing; Mrs. White is busily selling away and you can hear her say, Congratulations...; The Flash is laughing so hard with his tight black slacks and; Jamie reBond is sitting on her chair closing a sale, and trying hard not to laugh with the customer on the other end.

Then suddenly, silence from the group. Each of the members, including the Pharaoh smiles, then, laughter again.

***

The Infamous Lines/Styles

Princess Mi-At y Elorde punches the speaker button on her Avaya, PAC, i cannot log-in because my special project is not working, i already logged in sa Avaya. I'll just log in as soon as my special (spatial?) project is working. Then pushes, the mute button, Lain sad kaayo if di...Labayon ta' ka...

The Pharaoh shouts, where's The Flash? We have a post-shift meeting... Daddy, hina-harrass ka ba ng mga agents mo? Kanu-a man ta muadto Sumilon--cge, Dumaguete na lang, WOW philippines na 'to...

Lex Luthor stands up, goes over Jamie reBond's station, ubani ko SM, palit ko'g fish food...Kinsa muadto SM kay mupalit ko'g shampoo sa ako dog... Asa man ako Yakult (with his arms on his hips)?

Blondie Cruz, turns her head, Unsa unsa man? Adto tah Bohol, kitan tanan! uy Girrrrrrllllllll....

Kate Moss turns her chair and gives a one-liner, unya happy ka? Yeko ar...semi-gol tuo oks

Jamie reBond, ning-ning ka ma'am?

PAOlo Paraiso

2006-08-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

sioPAO
For safety purposes, non-disclosure of true identities in this blog has been arranged.

The Pharaoh-the leader and 'PAGE'maker*
The Flash-the guy 'now you see, now you don't'
Princess MiAt y Elorde-the girl who uses the Sossy High for rexona
Kate Moss-the model in the group
Jamie reBond-the reserved BUT cool girl
Lex Luthor-the guy in between
Captain Planet-the rattlemaker*
Blondie Cruz-the poser
Mrs. White-negosyanteng mommy
Audrey Hepburn-the chick with a bike*

Stargazer Bandit-the author of the blog

*not in the picture

MELANCHOLY

2006-08-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

Alone on the corner, i stand.
Searching for somebody who can save me.
Left. Right. Left. Right.

The breeze blows, sensing me.
The cold wind caresses my skin,
hairs violently erecting on my nape.
Whispering: Melancholy. Echoing.
Like a mantra. A prayer.
Melancholy. Melancholy. Melancholy.

Slowly, the abysmal feeling
claws on my chest.

I felt you before. So many times.
Sensing familiarty, I shriek.
I welcomed you. Embraced you
with amorous arms.
Red, crooked lines appear on my
left arm.
I taste it, metallic.
Melancholy. Come and stay with me.

COME, DEATH

2006-08-15T19:25:00.001-07:00

Tapping my little fingers
with the doldrums of the moment.
But the temporal lunacy of reality
evades me.
I pause, and fancy
the thought of total destruction.
As the the line goes:
Dying
is an art, like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.
The thought of death
seduces me.
The blade of the knife caressing my skin,
excites me.
The sporadic churn of poison in my stomach
captivates me.
I crave for silence.
The constant monotone of death
bribes my heart.
I crave for death.

DREAM

2006-08-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

I close my eyes, waking up from
the reality I thought was real.
I laughed and rejoiced, thankful
that I'm back in this abandoned
existence.

I felt the grass on my hand
as the pebbles slipped through
my fingerslike sand.
I tried to reveal my sadness,
I shrieked--good.
I tried to check for the pain,
I giggled--good.

I embrace the nothingness
and detachment that solitude
has confined me into.
The incessant leaking of my ardor
has taught my being misery
--my being warped into the chasm
of delirium.
Surreal. Distorted. Odd.

Passion or Finance

2006-08-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

I'm in the midst of a dilemma. Could be trivial but what i opt to take would change my life at that point.

It has always been man's destiny to search for eternal happiness--contentment is relative to the subject. With the current mental disposition, state of my pocket, and the allowable vaccum of my creative juices...I'm confused.

I recently applied for a position in a famous advertising company here in Cebu. I got accepted but not to the position i applied for but better. On tuesday, i will be officially a COPYWRITER. The one thing i dreamed about when i was still in my undergradute years in UP. The job that was so glamorous for me; so enticing and; so much fun.

But, i'm currently still employed by a call center company. I didnt tell the Ad agency because in the first place they didnt ask me if i was employed, they assumed i wasn't. It's not my habit to volunteer information. Going back, with my current job i am about to be transferred to another program, a technical support program which will inevitably increase my salary per month BUT let me clarify it to you, i don't like my current job. I do it because I have to. To support myself and try to be independent.

The answer is obvious for me but i cant help but to feel confused because its a Do or Die situation for me.

This has become a war between PASSION versus FINANCE.

I'm a woman of passion and substance.

what i am

2006-07-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: March

You are resilient, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested.You've had some difficult experiences in your life, but you are wise from them.Having had to grow up quickly, you tend to discount the advice of others.You tend to be a loner, having learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself.
Your strength: Well developed stability and confidence
Your weakness: Suspicion of others
Your power color: Eggplant
Your power symbol: Spade
Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

poetiK

2006-07-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

I just thought i'd post this. One of the poetic moments i had in the midst of boredom and heartache of finally letting go of the person i dedicated (gawdd!) my life for three years.

***

How do I unlove you?
Do I hug you with my head resting on your shoulder or with my
chin on your shoulder?
Do I rest my hand on your hand or do I lock it with your fingers?
Do you wipe away my tears or do you pat me on the shoulders
and tell me, it'll be fine?
Do I turn away everytime you come and touch my face?
Do I kiss you on the cheeks and not on the lips?

How do you unlove?
How do you unlearn a mundane and ordinary thing?
Do you take it off like a shirt?
Or scrub it with detergent?
Or sanitize it with steam?
Such perversions. Unnatural. Aberrant.

Teach me. Educate me.
Tell me, how did you learn to unlove me?

Solitary Confinement

2006-07-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly realizing that it could be highly plausible for me to live alone. Although most of my friends think that i should be room mates with somebody with the 'just-in-cases' situation. But, i disagree.

I spent my restdays with my back glued to the bed and my eyes turned and glued also to the television (watching all the teleseryes in the morning til evening). Imagine that! My only motivation was meal time. I would wake up around 11am and watch some stupid Koreanovela and eat around 2pm (so that there wouldnt be people where i eat). After that i watch some more television and when i look at the time i would actually smile that in a couple of hourse it would be meal time again (aint that freaky). All i could think of was food, food, and more food. Because after i eat i would sit for a 'few' minutes and eventually find myslef in a lying position which, of coure gave me dyspepsia (kabag dearie). Also, for the past 4days all i wnated to eat was Ngohiong (a cebuano specialty--chinese in descent) and some rice. I dont know why. Well, no worries for me because 'i think' it had all the necessary nutrients i needed. It has vegetable--sayote; meat--protein and; the lumpia wrapper and rice--carbs. A complete meal! Hah!

Anyways, The Hulk come over to have a little fun and good for me because i get to see people in times of solitude (omigawd is this the time of my life where i actually do solitary confinement unconsciously?!). As expected, he commented that i should live with my cousin for the 'just-in-cases' situations or that i should just go back to our hometown and stay with my dad (he's been suggesting that for a good 1year!), but i disagreed with him. I told him, i'm fine by myself and i'm kinda liking the idea because i'll be responsible for my own being and i can be totally be myself (hygiene-sanitation-freak to a super-gross-being). He still disagreed. As if i care.

But, there was a part in those absolutely-boring-to-the-maximum-level 2 days that i contemplated on having a room mate or having my cousin as a neighbor. It would be fun because i'll always have somebody to talk to (but most of the times i tend to be autistic and quiete--so, there's no use) but, if i live near my cousin i wouldnt have my 'social' life all to myself. And besides, if i move to the room next to hers, i would have Freaky Boy (the stalker), Nacho gwapito (a colleague i dated) and Grumpy the dwarf (a colleague i also dated) as my neighbors. Guy fest, anyone? Therefore, i burned the idea away.

I think solitary confinement in my 20's is a better idea, thank you.

contemplating on a bomb

2006-07-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

Im stressed-out. My pre-disposition as a being has been altered into pieces of uncertainty. I really do think that i should step out of this building and just create a new nano-bomb in my own proximity. I've been contemplating of either resigning or just gulp down the insult that the client has slapped to my face. The latter is quite tempting but at this point of my life it would be pain-inflicting on my ego to go back home and be dependent again of my father--from being independent, its just waaayyyyy humiliating!

I resigned myself of being a temp bodyguard/lunchdate/assistant/always-available team mate etc for the mean time. Although its quite fun to actually be on a log-in and log-out status in the office, in which, i can just sleep away the eight hours that are required to keep me as an employee, it is still exhausting and damn frustrating at most times. I go home and sleep and after i wake up, i go to work to sleep some more (i know, i know to some of you its a dream job but...).

***

My colleague yesterday just reminded me of an incident that took place in my former company. I was with an irate customer on the phone. I was letting him vent and curse the day/night (Manila or EST) away but when he mentioned that he was 'forced' to sign up, i snapped. I retorted, "primarily, sir, as a sales agent we are not allowed to sign up customers without their permission. And there is NO way for us to force you to give us the credit card information since in the first place you're the one holding it on the other end which is on the other side of the planet. We cannot force you to commit to our service, with that, you have what we call FREEWILL." That made him stutter and nervous. He tried to be the agitated-and-irate-customer but i slapped him with the same argument.

Thus, this was one of the some instances that made me an infamous agent.

Still has some funny and unnerving stories but let's do it one at a time.

***

I'll post some other stories but for now, its time for my sleep. I'll see you guys at the sleeping lounge :)

trippin'

2006-07-17T05:03:00.000-07:00

My baby sister and my Dad was here a few days ago to help me move to my new place and send off my elder sister, Gael-a (not her real name also) to Manila since she'll be taking the review proper for the Bar exams this Sept. Also, of course it was my baby sister's 17th birthday last friday. To this, I'm broke.

We ate out for lunch as a family at an Eat-all-you-can restaurant (my Dad loves eating in those kind of places). After having our stomachs full (with a series of several trips to the buffet table), my elder sister decided we should start taking pictures. So, we did. As expected my elder sister suggested a funny thing. She told our baby sister to pose by the buffet table so we can take a pic of her and that she can post it in her friendster account and tab it as her 'handa' for her birthday.

***

I thought before that my pagka-maldita, direct and mataray will shoo away possible relationships and 'admirers' (for the lack of a better word to use) but to my dismay (and worst) i got a new stalker. Let's call him Freaky Boy.

Freaky Boy would constantly text me even if most of the time i don't reply. One time he told me he'll be out biking and after an hour he texted telling me that he's on top of the mountain and that he can see my house from the top...what the?! Also, one time i was out with my team mates and just before i went home he texted me telling me that he saw me and that i looked pretty on that day...this gave me goosebumps. I asked him where he saw me...he said, it doesnt matter and that he'll tell me the next time he sees me...then i replied, by saying so you've qualified yourself as a stalker.

***

What the...

2006-07-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

I take in calls full of crap and stupidity for a living and it's absolutely NOT fun.

One of my calls just ended a few minutes ago. He had a british or english accent. SO, after i wrap up the call and the details, he asks me, where are you physically located. I answered him, Philippines. Then he asks, in Manila (freakin foreigners, they think Manila is the only city in the country. stupid morons)? I said no, in cebu, central part of the country. Then he asks, where's that. I said central (the have Central Standard Time and they dont know what's central is?)...middle part of the country. Then he shots back, middle of nowhere?

I wanted to answer him, YES, i'm in the middle of nowhere. I'm taking in the call with a banana leaf telephone set and a piece of a tree for a computer.

I said, I'm in Cebu.

Then comes another moron on the line.

ARGHHH!

***

SUPERMAN Returns

2006-07-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

I watched Superman Returns last night (last full show) in Ayala and i was blissfully happy when i went out of the cinema. Not because of the plot or anything deep about the movie. But because of Brandon Routh. He's absolutely gorgeous and yummy. He could pass as a demi-god! I couldn't get my eyes off the screen (even if our seats were located 3rd row from the front). The similarities from the original superman, Christopher Reeves was amazing--he has softer features and boyish look. Alot of close-ups was going on which really made me wonder what kind of foundation make-up his make-up artist used. His face was flawless (or could be he really is a God!). I was constantly hitting and smacking my cousin's right arm everytime he had his blue tights on (my cousin was like, i'll be red and blue when we get outta here). His voice was so masculine--not too deep and very, very sexy ('goodbye Lois'...arghh!). But, he's rumored to be gay (ARGGGHHHH!).

Now the movie. It wasn't that explosive or heavy as i expected it. I expected great things from this movie because (hey) after being gone for ALOT of years they owe it to the public to make us scream the whole time. Cinematography was good--beautiful actually, but, i had some issues with the computer-graphic-like features of superman, minor stuff but none the less, beautiful. The flow of the story after the comeback saving of the world scene (the airplane part) was just fine, typical which is NOT a good thing).

The only time that the movie kept me on the edge of my seat was the airplane scene. The acting was fairly good (brandon routh's a newbie so, understand). I felt alot of detachment from the acting. Say for example, the scene where Superman was being beaten by Lex Luthor's goon/men, instead of feeling empathetic, all the viewer (well, for me) could do was sympathize (and amazingly, B. Routh still looked so yummy being beaten to death). Personally, film, theatre, and art should evoke at least one of the senses. The pair-up of Kate Bosworth and Brandon Routh is also another thing. I didnt feel any chemistry between them. It felt like it was forced. K. B. didnt have the appeal and sexiness that Teri Hatcher or any of the Lois Lane persona presented and to this, the viewers could identify. Characterization was also problematic. L. Lane's 'partner' (since they weren't married yet) was only introduced and made kown (the history and all) through the leading lady herslef. They didnt provide enough shots to make the viewers familiar with him. Also, it felt weird looking at Marsden in a DC comics Superman movie since i always identify him as Marvel comics', Cyclops in X-Men. Maybe its just me.

The story was a bit superficial and unmoving. Superman discovering that he actually had a son and not reacting like a real father and a human-being (but hey, he is from Krypton--that makes him alien) but anyhoo, he should have at least talked with Lois Lane about the situation but all he did was...Goodbye Lois...i'm always around.. what?! So cold of him to do that.

Another could-be-taken as a trivial question or dilemma was, what happened to Clark Kent? Nobody in the entire movie was even considerate enough or cared enough of his well-being..or bothered to care that he existed. After the last save-the-planet part he just dematerialized. Not even the scriptwriter bothered to plant him again in the last few scenes or something. Pity, pity lil 'ol Clark Kent. Tsk tsk tsk.

Also, they could have actually made the ending 'fresh' and not the typical superhero-flies-off-into-the-sky and boom, the end. The ending could have been better if they palced the scene where Superman was looking down to earthj and hearing all the cry for help by people and him flying to teh scene and then, The End. Just a suggestion. It could have provided more impact.

I assume there is a sequel to this movie. What could be the title... Superman Returns Again? Haha

Generally, the movie was aesthetically good and promising and i still can't get over the fact of Brandon Routh of a could-be Demigod (Prometheus, if you may).

daily-s

2006-06-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

My colleague and friend The Flash (not his real name also) earlier tonight was complaining about usual stuff (how work sucks, etcetera, etcetera). Then i asked him, you've been drinking before you're shift, eh? Then he lughed, adding that he won't comment further. He said he came from a wedding and asked me to guess what was hte motiff of the wedding. I looked at him...thinking. He was wearing a printed shirt with green leaves (Duh! leaves ARE green). SO, i smiled and said without any humor or whatsoever of trying to be funny (well, they think i always add humor with my comments), LEAVES?

He laughed. It was green.

***

It'll be my SIL (i don't know the exact meaning, all i know the letter-L means LEAVE) tomorrow. Sadly, i wont have my party-crazed friends to go out with because they either have work or more work. SOme of my friends might also be doing something freaky--like studying or something. So, i have to entertain myself besides blogging.

Will watch though the new Superman movie (Superman Returns) with my cousin after she does her freaky thing--studying. Out of curiosity, why are the superhero movies have their sequels with the word RETURNS--Batman Returns, etc.? Must be a hollywood thing.

Can't wait to see Superman Returns and see that Routh guy kick the villains' asses. I'm also curious to see the quality of the CG (comp. graphics, geek) because during trailers he looks so anime-ish or something. He doesnt have a flaw on his face (or must be a really good foundation that he used). Don't like Bosworth as the L. Lane, she looks so... old.

***

I have a dilemma. I'm thinking if i should invite Kurt Cobain into my friend's list in friendster (yah, yah i have one. why do you freaking care?). If i do, he'll be able to see my pics and eventually discover i'm keeping this blog and he's one of the main character in my stories. That'll annoy him. Hmmm....in that case, maybe i should :) haha that would be interesting.

***

Me, Myself & I

2006-06-29T04:43:00.000-07:00

I think I may have discovered the reason why my would-be relationship doesn’t become one. I’m an obsessive-compulsive person. I’m a ‘worrier’ and a planner. And I have standards.

My recent tryst with Kurt Cobain (not his real name apparently) didn’t work out because I over planned. What can I do? As they say, segurista ako. I liked him—a lot, that’s a given. Problem is even if we were just exchanging flirtations that implied more than the normal range of the thought, I was already thinking how it would be nice that we’d be in the mall holding-hands, exchanging smiles that only the two of us knows the meaning, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. What can I do? He’s a sweet guy (and would say anything to get into my skirt—pants (?), whatever). And I’m gullible. Am I humiliating my own ass here saying that? I’m just a normal (but freaking weird most of the times) human being—to err is human (did I say that right?).

Going back to my main proposition, I over plan, ok? I may live moments as if it’s the last hour of my life but at the back of my brain, I’m planning things like where we would go on the next date; what I would wear and all those cheesy crap—I even plan how to introduce him to my friends! Even if I was still with The Hulk, I would want to know things beforehand; I wanted details whenever we go out like what time we’d meet; what time he’ll get out of the office; where; what time we’ll go home; even what we’ll be eating which, eventually would annoy The Hulk. That’s normal—in my own sense of normalcy.

I take risks. A lot of them. I even share that advice to my friends. Without risks we wont be able to know how things would turn out. If we take risks we wont have the ‘what could haves’ and’ what ifs’ after we sit alone in the house on a Friday night and no one even bothers to invite us for a night out (boy that’s sad). The catch is, you just have to accept the consequences and you must be prepared of it. But I still have certain confines for taking risks. I’ve been burned before—bad. Commitments are my thing and if I want to be in one I want to make sure that I’m not scorching my own ass.

Next, I have standards. My very strict relatives raised us to be decent and to have pride for what we have even if it wasn’t that much besides, one of my aunts was a Nun before (yes, the opposite rendition of priests). We we’re also taught to be self-reliant and independent so, I know how to get things my own way. Anyway, I may be liberated and open-minded about a lot of stuff like the relative concepts in dating. Kurt Cobain must have gotten the very ludicrous idea that I sleep with just anybody. Well, I don’t. He might have misunderstood my infamous line ‘anything goes’ because clearly I didn’t want to sleep with him on our second date. Even if I said it to him point blank, segurista ako. I guess he’s really not that well versed with Tag-alog or literal meaning of such because I don’t have to use analogy to actually give him the message—even the security guard outside our building would understand that. And so, we left the place without doing anything more than he expected (even Kurt Cobain over planned also haha). That turned him off. Good for me.

The next few days all I got were forwarded messages and smileys. Whaaattttt?! Freaking asshole. That set the records straight. Conclusion: Kurt Cobain didn’t want to go out on dates and get abdominal pains only (well, better off committing suicide again haha). He aint getting any—come to think of it, I also said that point blank to him. He needs to read more.

Standards and (over) planning is what I live by everyday. I follow my own set of rules, mores, and standards. Even if they’re my own, I don’t bend them. I may have problems following other people’s rules (even my Dad’s) but I follow mine.

annoying but entertaining?

2006-06-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

My body clock's gone berserk. I was asleep the whole day yesterday and woke up around 8pm just in time for the 'teleseryes'. I love switching form one channel to the other (gma &abs) because its freaking funny how both networks try to provide 'entertaining' programs and shows just to get the majority of viewers' attention but they end up with this really sheesy and annoyingly shows that plots are recycled over and over again. Its hilarious. But, the moment i get disturbly entertained (like i luv NY and whats that other show...) i switch to MTV (stud23, untv, abs, &abc5 are the only channels my antenna can handle) and sing my heart out even if its raining hard outside and the howling of dogs are dueting with me. I dont care. I can sing but not in the right tone.

After the tidious four-teleserye-per-night-before-the-programs, the weekly shows come in. They again bore me so i switch from one channel to another (mind me, we only have four available so its not that exciting). After an hour or two of that, i end up watching the news for the day. News are always the same. Killings there, rape here, leftists and anti-government desperately trying to topple over the governemnt, judy ann and ryan are getting married, unknown starlet (havent heard of her) trying to bicker with ruffa g., chop-chop lady...hahay when will the news entertain like the teleserye...i want to see explosion like apocalypse prophecize, judgement day for catholics, or world war three would be fun. But oh, until they give me that, boredom will stil prevail.

come midnight, both networks are out of good shows but i was fully entertained when the documentary-like shows were on (pipol & reporter's notebook). That kept me glued to the screen. RN was about the disabled individuals in the country trying to find their position; while pipol was about (i think) che-che lazaro's favorite shows. After that, i ended scanning my notebook for viruses out of nothing better to do because my system was in 'GO' signal, no sleep mode. I tried to make a one-act play and was successful on the process (reached 8 pages of 1.5 space manuscript). I love writing early in the morning because my brain tends to work like a printing machine, it never stops. Was almost finished but i forced myself to sleep because i didnt want to be up all night again. Being up in the wee hours of morning reminds me of work and i dont want to do that on my restdays.

I went to sleep with Pablo Neruda's poems being read to me. That induced alot of 'nice' dreams. Hopefully, tomorrow's a new day and the two major networks better come up with highly entertaining shows that won't induce me to a coma.

the afternoon kiss

2006-06-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

i dont understanad why people do PDA (public display of affection). I mean, i'm not against to that if its HHWW (holding hands while walking--sabay sway) etcetara--just mild 'display' but if its public display of saliva exchange with tongue and heavy petting and kissing is another thing.

I was waiting in line one time outside of eMall (the ATM machine is right infront of the entrance/exit), music blaring in both of my ears from my ipod so i couldn't care less if there's a shoot-out going on on the next street or if the president get's kidnapped, I saw this odd couple (odd in the sense that they both look 'odd'--don't make me elaborate). Having the habit of observing people (i love creating stories about people's lives from afar). The two was in arms-lock, the guy a foot taller than the girl and had really dark brown skin color. He looked more non-Filipino but still asian and could be around 34 or 35. The girl on the other hand was wearing a white haltered top, hair down and a purse on her right arm. The moment they reached the line of plants (shrubs?) and the lane where the passenger-hogging taxis would line up, the guy immediatly leaned down and started kissing the girl torridly. Mind me, but there are certain torrid-kissing scenarios where it doesnt turn out disgusting and vomit-inducing, this one was an exemption.

So, they kissed and kissed some more. I looked around and saw some individuals with 'mixed' emotions (all negative-looking so, let me spare you). The college guys behind me in line were snickering; the old men on my right side, with cigerette butts all over there land area were disgruntled and disgusted. But, the most expressive individual of the movie-like-frame was the guy infront of me. After the couple started kissing he turned around just in time for me to catch his very funny reaction. His brows were furrowed; he looked as if he was just about to throw up from over-drinking. He was smoking so he threw the cigerette and squashed the flicker with his left foot and walk-out, fuming i assume in his mind.

After a good 5minutes, the sensational kiss was over. I assume they came from the moviehouse because it was wednesday (day for new movies) and surely, they did quite a lot of saliva-exchange in the theater. The guy led the girl into the taxi and bid her a goodbye kiss--just a peck on the kiss. So, what was the kiss before that for? My stories always gets messed up in the end.

ex-factor

2006-06-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

I spent my after work hours with my ex-hubby (The Hulk) because I was feeling down and sad for vague reasons. We slept together, literally (without THAT word your thinking). We woke up after five hours with our arms locked to each other, thats been our habit eversince (even if we fought the night before, come morning we're inseperable), and i still like that habit but no can do. We woke up at the same time with the banging of his neighbor telling him to have lunch already (of course, they didn't know i was in there) so, he just told them to go away. We looked at each other. He smiled and closed his eyes. I sat up and plugged the earphones of my iPOD to my ears and played "once in a lifetime" by Freestyle (foreign group). I listened to it for a few seconds and plugged the left earphone to his right ear, i told him he should play it to one of his gigs. H said yes he will. Then my tears slowly betrayed me--they fell. He asked what was wrong, i told him not to worry because for the first time in history it was NOT because of him. He wiped my tears but i asked him to get the bag of tissue i had in my purse. he said to wipe it with his pillowcase (aint he a gentleman?) so, i did and added some snot on it. He finally handed me my stack of tissue after a few minutes. i fell asleep and he went out to eat lunch with his brother and when he came back i asked him (jokingly but in a pacutie tone) if i can have hte 1liter Clairol shampoo. He looked at me and smiled. he said, OK just to make you smile . Then, i smiled and kissed him. Thank you, i said. He added, the 1liter conditioner (in separate bottle) also i dont know why.

Our relationship was chaotic. It was contradicted by everybody and everyone we know. He had done enough damage on me to last me another lifetime but now, i'm learning to forget that. I may have problems forgiving him of what he did but i can try to forget that and eventually forgive him. I don't have ill-feelings towards him. I even continue seeing him once in a while. He's a nice guy. He's sweet and manages to surprise me like what he did earlier.

We may or may not live with each other but at this point, for the both of us, we can't. we're interconnected, it may not be romantic but were good friends.

rock wit me

2006-06-26T03:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve been sleeping for the whole day, I woke up and the first thing that shot through me was my stomach grumbling violently. I’m not sure how many hours its been peevish, all I care is that I was in Neverland, flying with the lost boys. Then, I saw my ever-reliable celphone (you don’t know how many times it had shed its life); I wanted to text him and tell him how much of an idiot he is. And I almost reconsidered my cousin’s offer of tormenting him, Kurt Cobain and his superficiality. Hah!

Its like this, the other night while boredom was at its peak in my system, a silly thought entered my silly mind: search for Kurt Cobain in Friendster. I was confident that it wouldn’t turn out any result—well, not at least with his information. But with my great shock and dramatic outburst…he had one. And stupid enough, it had his picture in it. That made me almost run to the toilet. All I could think was ARRRRGGGHHHHH! And all the other incoherent mutterings of a deranged person.

I like him—a lot (or should I say, I liked him?). He’s the first guy I liked after my tectonic-plate-moving-crash-and-burn relationship with another idiot. And I have specifications and conditions.

Is it wrong to have standards especially for the person that you’re going to offer almost all of your time? Boyet greatly disappointed me. He has a Friendster account. I know, I know that im being so overly dramatic about this.

My point here is that, if you’re going to present a specific persona or crowd like rockers in a grunge band, you at least have to act like a full-pledge rocker-in-a-grunge-band, meaning: NO FRIENDSTER or anything jolog-ic manifestations or affiliations (so what if I have friendster? I like the stuff that the ‘indie’ crowd has). That, being a rocker with tattoos, hair not shorter than your Mom’s and the only color recognized are the shades near oblivion—black, you must uphold the reputation and bring forth unity amongst all the other rockers who’s been zealous and protective of your mutual crowd. You do not allow any infestations of psuedo-rockers that after slamming, jamming, and a ton of head banging with co-rockers, ends up wearing the over-baggy pants and the cap worn backwards like Eminem. I know, I’m protective of my own social crowd and reputation—I’ve become an anti-social person so, I protect myself therefore, I’m my own crowd.

My friends look at me in wonderment, asking why I’m making a big of a deal out of this ‘unexpected’ circumstance. I just look at them in contempt and full of hostility. Its just plain wrong. And they back off. Message received.

sushyal life

2006-06-25T15:05:00.000-07:00

I've become an anti-social person. My first attempt to like another human being of the opposite sex and be in a pseudo-relationship-monogamous-at-the-same-time has ended in the trash bin. Guy turned out to be an asshole. Need i say more?

Now, all i can think and feel towards this heterosexual relationship is disgust. Frustration. Or maybe i'm just being acidly-sarcastic about all this. OR plainly bitter. My former relationship crashed all over me with me of course expecting it. I was just to timid to do something about it and admit the fact that i can never be the girl for that certain guy. Love sucks.

Ive been sitting all alone in my room for the past few weeks. Toying with my notebook and ipod for an indefinite expanse of time. Waiting for my brains to blow-up (could that actually be possible?). Been trying to contradict the fact that we CANNOT kill ourselves by holding our breath (you know what i mean). Thinking of possible ways how i cant meet my proverbial one without scaring him off to the 9th heavens because of my specifications (but does that mean that he's not my proverbial one?). I like my single-ness and all but i still like cuddling to someone in the middle of the night when the rain is heavily falling, winds blowing in every direction, or plainly when its 3am and im infront of our office building and everything seems so cinematic--good lighting, almost no people are around, you can smell the brewing of coffee..ok, ok, im getting too descriptive about this..see? also, come to think of it, is it normal for a guy--to be exact, a guy who has a grunge band and a complete rocker in every aspect to have a friendster account?

anyhoo, im sick of this rat race. I'm not actually worried of getting all wrinkly alone and desolate from those group of yuppies with hordes of grandchildren. i'd love to be alone, at least i'll have lots of time reading every book in the world. tending my rose garden. feeding my cats. Damnit. i'm turning into one of those old ladies i see in movies where they have a gazillion of cats swarming the house. too bad.