Me, Myself & I

I think I may have discovered the reason why my would-be relationship doesn’t become one. I’m an obsessive-compulsive person. I’m a ‘worrier’ and a planner. And I have standards.

My recent tryst with Kurt Cobain (not his real name apparently) didn’t work out because I over planned. What can I do? As they say, segurista ako. I liked him—a lot, that’s a given. Problem is even if we were just exchanging flirtations that implied more than the normal range of the thought, I was already thinking how it would be nice that we’d be in the mall holding-hands, exchanging smiles that only the two of us knows the meaning, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. What can I do? He’s a sweet guy (and would say anything to get into my skirt—pants (?), whatever). And I’m gullible. Am I humiliating my own ass here saying that? I’m just a normal (but freaking weird most of the times) human being—to err is human (did I say that right?).

Going back to my main proposition, I over plan, ok? I may live moments as if it’s the last hour of my life but at the back of my brain, I’m planning things like where we would go on the next date; what I would wear and all those cheesy crap—I even plan how to introduce him to my friends! Even if I was still with The Hulk, I would want to know things beforehand; I wanted details whenever we go out like what time we’d meet; what time he’ll get out of the office; where; what time we’ll go home; even what we’ll be eating which, eventually would annoy The Hulk. That’s normal—in my own sense of normalcy.

I take risks. A lot of them. I even share that advice to my friends. Without risks we wont be able to know how things would turn out. If we take risks we wont have the ‘what could haves’ and’ what ifs’ after we sit alone in the house on a Friday night and no one even bothers to invite us for a night out (boy that’s sad). The catch is, you just have to accept the consequences and you must be prepared of it. But I still have certain confines for taking risks. I’ve been burned before—bad. Commitments are my thing and if I want to be in one I want to make sure that I’m not scorching my own ass.

Next, I have standards. My very strict relatives raised us to be decent and to have pride for what we have even if it wasn’t that much besides, one of my aunts was a Nun before (yes, the opposite rendition of priests). We we’re also taught to be self-reliant and independent so, I know how to get things my own way. Anyway, I may be liberated and open-minded about a lot of stuff like the relative concepts in dating. Kurt Cobain must have gotten the very ludicrous idea that I sleep with just anybody. Well, I don’t. He might have misunderstood my infamous line ‘anything goes’ because clearly I didn’t want to sleep with him on our second date. Even if I said it to him point blank, segurista ako. I guess he’s really not that well versed with Tag-alog or literal meaning of such because I don’t have to use analogy to actually give him the message—even the security guard outside our building would understand that. And so, we left the place without doing anything more than he expected (even Kurt Cobain over planned also haha). That turned him off. Good for me.

The next few days all I got were forwarded messages and smileys. Whaaattttt?! Freaking asshole. That set the records straight. Conclusion: Kurt Cobain didn’t want to go out on dates and get abdominal pains only (well, better off committing suicide again haha). He aint getting any—come to think of it, I also said that point blank to him. He needs to read more.

Standards and (over) planning is what I live by everyday. I follow my own set of rules, mores, and standards. Even if they’re my own, I don’t bend them. I may have problems following other people’s rules (even my Dad’s) but I follow mine.