Am I Getting Old?

The last time I went home to Tacloban (actually, the last couple of times) there was a certain feeling of displacement in me.

During my student years, my girlfriends and I would usually walk from school until the downtown area to catch the jeep that would take us home. And along that road, we'd usually bump into friends and schoolmates or whoever that we know that usually make our triptime triple than normal. There would be an obligatory exchange of small talk or of course, a talk that would require even the whole trip.

As I traced back the steps that I usually took back in the days when I was a student, the same crowded boradwalks, same crowded department store. Even the vendors that sold different delicacies and odd-stuff were the same but, the people walking the opposite direction was no longer the same. I no longer bumped into one of my friends or acquintance that a certain nod would acknowledge that I saw them; a small chit-chat that would usually cause congestion in the middle of the boradwalk--I no longer hear the grumping and yelling of people behind me. Everyone that I saw were new faces--unfamiliar and nonchalant (and some even hostile).

I felt awkward and left out. Am I growing old?

When I got home, I sat on my familiar corner of our house (outside the garage, near the trashcan), how I wished I bumped into some of my friends. I don't care if they look older--or even younger. I just wanted something to represent that I still belonged in this place, that some people still knew me before I became what I am right now.

"Bianx?" someone called me from inside the house, my boyfriend.

Maybe I am old. And maybe, I changed.

The Loss of Beauty Pageants

Let me post an excerpt from PEP that I read about the transcript of No.15's answer for the Q&A,

THE BOOBOO. Janina initially wowed the audience when she confidently told the pageant host Paolo Bediones, "No, I don't feel any pressure right now."

However, Janina looked like she had a hard time maintaining this impression when one of the judges, Ms. Vivienne Tan, asked her the question, "What role did your family play to you as candidate to Binibining Pilipinas?"

When she answered the question, Janina started to show some nervousness, which caused her to lose her focus and started speaking in atrocious English. She replied, "Well, my family's role for me is so important because there was the wa... They're... They was the one who's very..." then, she laughed upon realizing her mistakes.

Trying to keep herself calm and composed, Janina continued, "I'm so sorry, Ahhmm... My pamily... My family... Oh my god... I'm... Ok, I'm so sorry... I... I told you that I'm so confident... 'Eto, wait..." This was followed with a laugh again after realizing that she uttered a Tagalog word.

Despite the blunder, Janina managed to finish answering the question. As if asking the audience to understand her, Janina went on saying, "Sorry guys because this was really my first pageant ever because I'm only 17 years old. I did not expect that I came from, I came from one of the top [which she pronounced as "tough"] ten. So... But I said that my family is the most important persons in my life. Thank you."


I had my tirades of joining pageants, so I have a tiny right to comment about her 'show'.

In these kinds of 'contests/pageants' its a prerogative for you to have a sense of thought or opinions, not necessarily about everything but, 'some' will do as long as its comprehensible and coherent. And by winning, apparently you will become the delegate or the representative of our country for international pageants--I am confident that the Phils. has the beauty &brains package.

When answering questions, go directly to the point. Do not blabber OR EVEN make excuses on how incompetent you turned out to be (she said she was just 17 and its her first time), for God sakes! You should have the decency to at least, learn some training when you joined the Bb. Pilipinas.

To Jenina, you should have waited and joined more pageants before you did the big one. The little contests gives you a perspective and right training on what you should present to the audience and the judges. Pageants like such doesn't concentrate on your body statistics and how good you look--it always needs to have something behind the superficial, Brains.

I'm outraged by your senselessness.

Bb. Pilipinas Idiocy

Have you guys seen or watched the Bb. Pilipinas 2008 last night?

What a circus it was for the candidates! My Gawd! It's embarrassing what kind of individuals our country i.e. educational system are producing!

So as you'll know, I had my share of joining beauty pageants and somehow I have an ide what goes on backstage, onstage, and in the minds of the candidates.

No. 15 won?! What the F**K were the judges thinking?! I mean, didn't they notice the whole gap of intelligence the said candidate had (which was NADA)? SHe snorted, laughed funny infront of thousands, gave an incoherent answers and even went TagLish, apologized for her stupidity and overconfidence and ended with the most moronic and worst grammar-ed answer!

I'm not sure if there was something fishy goin' on. Honestly, I wasnt able to watch the part where they provide the rules and regulations for the final 5, but, 'ideally' on the final round it should go back to zeros and any other points will not be considered/

Sad to say, her kind wil be the one to represent our country for the international pageants. I won't ne surprised if she didnt even make it to pre-final rounds!

Goodluck to whoever is keepin her ass afloat!

another year, another blog

My natal day is a few days away and I don't have any freakin' money! I've maxed out my credit cards; I've spent the loan I asked from my Dad in a flash (literallymoney just went through my hands) but, mind you, I paid my pending bills from it.

My 'Pet' gave me an early birthday gift--a PLAYSTATION PORTABLE aka PSP. I appreciate it, I mean, I'm a gadget-lover-kinda-gurl and I would love anything that I can toy around but, honestly...I dunno, something off about it--maybe its just me. Anyway, I'm starting to enjoy playing with it (so far I have Silent Hill Origins and Medievil); keepin' me busy if my 'Pet' is too preoccupied playing with the Playstation2 (yeah, I know, we have two playstations already--get over it!) on the TV--I'm a certified TV addict so, I get bored easily if i don't have anything to do.

Most likely he got the PSP for his entertainment purposes--his outmost ulterior motive haha! aA gift is a gift.

I'm turning a year older and so far I don't feel anything 'joyful' or celebratory about it. It sucks. But, hey, I'll just milk my Dad to give me a gift for his currently-unemployed-gorgeous daughter.

Come to think of it, what have I achieved so far for my 23rd year here on this planet?

Hope Floats!

Patrick: Spongebob, I wish I was a starfish...
Spongebob: But, Patrick, YOU ARE a starfish!
Patrick: SEE! wishes do come true!

This is not the exact transcript of the said episode in Spongbob Square Pants but, its in the same context in that episode. But my point here is, with the naivete of Patrick and all his innocence unconsciously presents a bold message that we shouldn't lose hope at all--even with our simplest and most mundane dream or want.

Dreaming is free. But when reality sets in, when you act on your dream it tends to be expensive and complicated.

***

I just submiited my application for a Master's degree at University of the Phils Open University. I'm hoping that I would be considered for a slot--I'm gearing up for a Master in Development Communication.

The thought of going back to school this coming June gives me the highs. I feel like I'm in elementary school; all excited and happy about using my new notebooks, pens and pad paper for the first day of class!

Also, I asked one of my professors (my fave actually) to fill-in one of the recommendation forms and I was delighted that she had high praises and heartwarming comments and impressions about me during my undergraduate years with her. Do understand that this woman of high intellect greatly affected my perception and outlook in life, knowledge, and passion. She's none other than the great Merlie Alunan--one of the most poignant writers today.

Looking forward to it!

Dirt that comes with it-nostalgia

After 3 gruelling days of cleaning, organizing, arranging and settling in my new place, I've finally put things in their proper place (excluding mg Ate's left-behind stuff). Though the space is limited but as what my Ate says, lesser floor area, lesser area for cleaning--which is always a good thing.

The problem is, my skin didn't seem to agree with all the dirt, dust, and grime that came with the move. Annoyingly, I have these bumps and rashes like 'things' all-around my neck! It's disgusting!

Anyway, I'm on bum-mode 'til the 23rd of March which is good so I can fully relax and recharge for whatever electrolytes and braincells that my former company took from me. Only problem is: I have no cash. So, at this point, I'm living off from the loan I asked from my Dad.

A few days ago while I was removing the running stitch that my Ate did on the curtain, it dawned on me and somewhat made me kind of nostalgic of that exact same sitting position that i was--left leg under my ass, knife on my right hand and humming away the song that my grandmother sings when she's bored and praying. I missed my childhood and everything relative to that part of my life.

When I was half my current age right now (hahah no, I'm not telling!), my siblings and I would spend our entire summers in my Mom's hometown (so kinda rural area with limited electricity allocation per night and no cable). In the afternoons after we've awoken from our siesta slumber (which, of course we were threatened that no snacks for anyone not sleeping on siesta time--that would be a complete bummer!), my Aunt Estela (the eldest) would be sewing in the library area which, leads to the common room (on the 2nd floor)--where were all sprawled altogether with the mess that we've made making different dresses for our Barbie dolls (most of them had a freaky make-up on and a hideous haircut because then our baby sister would give them unsolicited haircuts). Which, most of the time would turn out to be a multi-media art because the dresses would be incorporated with diffrent materials, from cloth to papers, to even stones found on the rooftop. Then, one of my Aunts would shout that merienda's ready which would cause more mess because we'd hastily run and bolt like lightning heading downstairs (my male cousin would usually use the banister as a shortcut).

That was how simple life for us was. Waking up, doing chores, playing, meals, siesta, and more playing.

Now, I have to wake up as early as possible; organize/plan the day's activities which inlcudes chores; complete the plans; budget money; and all these complicated stuff that can make you throw away your wits out of the window. That I would love to do and act lunatic for a day or a week even would be fun!