Memoirs of A Tsinelas: February 2009

3AM

Its almost 3AM and I still can't sleep. Just watching the program "conviction" hoping that sleep will come by me. One of the scenes showed a grieving mother and I thought of my Mama. I felt nostalgic and sad instantly.

She died 10 years ago of breast cancer--terminal. A few years back, maybe on the 5th year of her death I still felt and thought that she was just away for a vacation. I still felt that any moment she'll stroll into our sala with the grocery bag--with her disheveled hair, asking if Papa's home already. I miss her.

I sometimes feel guilty and sad that as years pass by I'm slowly forgetting how she looked--maybe even, how she was as our mother. I cry whenever these thoughts some. It makes me feel like a bad daughter--exactly how I feel now.

Just sharing.

24 and RANDOMLY WAITING FOR 25

Today's my last day of work. Inabsent ko pa!
I was born 2 months premature. My left arm and leg came out first--the doctor (or komadrona?) had to push them back in to get me out properly. I still came out legs first.
I love watching investigatory reports, forensics, criminal investigation and criminal-profiling programs. I'm trying to plan THE perfect crime.
I'm obsessed with Chocolate-carrot cake *yum yum*
I easily get annoyed 'by' and 'with' slow thinkers.
You have your planet Earth and I have my own milky way--don't try to visit and say 'you come in peace,' you'll just turn into dust.
I love kinilaw na ampalaya.
I don't do 'terms of endearment.' Never. I don't call my former BF (now my hubby) pumpkin, babe, beh, mahal...and the list goes on, so just stop.
Stilettos. Stilettos. Stilettos.
I can't bend down and touch my toes. I'm physically inept.
I'll keep arguing with you until I say I'm finished.
If I ask you a question and you don't answer me--I'll keep asking the EXACT same question, until you do. Like a parrot. If I don't get the answer that I want, I won't stop asking you either.
I haven't drawn for a year and a half.
I realized while in Timezone that I have bad 'hand-and-eye' coordination--or none probably!
I ONLY and CAN draw women. Men are just too chunky and bulky to draw.
I flunked math in college multiple times.
I love watching old tag-alog movies. I know you do too so shut-up.
I really, really think I should have been born and partying during the 70's. Hippies. Patadyong. Hash. ahlovsit!
My Tito, a couple of years back left his RAV4 car for me to use but my Papa wouldn't let me drive it because he said I might drive it through something metal, cement, or a large trunk of tree/s. Finding out after a few months from my Tito that the car had full insurance. So much for cruising the boulevard.
I can talk with my friends the whole day and I can be mute for more than a day.
I love babies. I'm annoyed with toddlers--I deliberately scare them. One time, I was in MOA reading somewhere, when a little boy hit my leg. He looked at me and smiled. I glared at him and gave him my 'serial killer' look, his smile disappeared and he slowly backed away.
Sarcasm = Katrina Bianca Catan-Yamsuan
If I don't know you, don't talk to me. You might as well talk to the unfinished cement wall on your left.
I will say what I want, when I want to, how I want to say it. Don't expect me to apologize.

PART TWO: REGENT SANTOS

Earlier today, my area manager, HRG representative, regent santos and I had a meeting about the problem. I tried to stay calm but unfortunately, I wasn't. I was asked to talk about the issue. I did--my voice cracking as the words slip from my mouth, tears started falling. last weekend, I thought I was already OK but clearly, I wasn't.

Regent Santos immediatly started talking, bringing up issues that were totally separate or different from the situation. He was trying to force both our AM and HRG rep to take his side and believe him. HE WAS MOCKING ME--worse, he was doing it without hesitation right infornt of the higher OPS! I can't believe this!

Then, the HRG rep asked me, what I want to happen. I told them since I have definite plans already of resigning in 2 weeks, if possible that I be assigned to a different Team Lead. He retorted, 'better make it quick.' I'm not sure if this being has been advsied that during this kinds of 'sessions' professionalism is greatly admired. So, I didn't take notice of him. Our AM was already signalling for him to stop be he just won't. As if he thought that all this was a game or a joke! Amazing how totally detached he is from reality! I wnated to smack him hard until he becomes sensible but, again, this is the time that professionlism is highly regarded.

Finally, the HRG rep said that being transferred to a different team is not an option. We're stuck with each other until I submit my resignation.

But get this! just a while ago, a collegue asked me if last friday--if in any way did i threaten his family. I told her definitely NO! I may be upset but, I'm not that stupid! She said, because Regent Santos said that I did. OH MY FUCKING GOD! He's playing dirty! It prompted more tears but, I collected myself, took calls and informed our AM about it.

PISSED OFF AND F*CKED UP

I'm on the verge of a major breakdown.

It could be the time of year that burn-out is just a stone-throw away (like my mind is, literally!). At the moment, I feel like a fish displaced out of the water--squirming, fighting for my dear life! Odd why I used the fish allegory when I don't even like fish.

Moving forward, I feel like the rest of the crowds are buzzing and speeding away and I abruptly stop and watch them slowly turn into a mirage.

Yesterday, my TM (glorified babysitter) decided to piss me off--all hell broke loose! Let's call him MEMA (MEMA-gawa). So, story is, I got all these little love letters from the management--nothing serious, just workstuff and I got 3 of them in a week alone! I, being a control-freak and an introvert, was fighting with myself on what to do. Eventually, I got frustrated and stressed out. I asked for a day-off to figure things out, absorb everything. MEMA just said, you have to be at work. I told him 'I'm on the brink of submitting an immediate resignation,' connoting that its because of all the stress I've been experiencing--mind you, its not about the lil' love letters, it was just me trying to cope. You know what Mema said to me? 'ok, come in and bring your letter.' This made my forehead wrinkle in all diffrent lines, my head started to feel hot (literally!)!

What an insensitive little prick! Here you have obviously a unmotivated, demoralized and unappreciated employee and you give that crappy statement?! I wanted to strangle him, call him and shout at him. But the grace and poise within me decided that I handle it in a formal or legal way. Besides, I didn't want to waste my plan minutes with the fool, sky-high na celphone bill ko!

I emailed my Area Manager. I deserve to be heard.

p.s. meh mga issues din ako against MEMA before pa, but I thought before that it was all fun and play...UNTIL I GET HURT. Too bad.

Parking Lot Issues

If a couple is your 'Ninang or Ninong' in your wedding, are you allowed to ask aguinaldo for christmas?
A few days after my wedding, my SSS ID arrived--with my 'SINGLE' status. It took me 8 months to get it. NOW, I have to apply for change of STATUS to MARRIED and wait for another 8 months to get it. How convenient. Crap.
As soon as I got back to work, my officemates immediatly asked me if we have a little bun in the oven, already. I said no. Does that come with the territory? Que sera, sera...
When I told my friends and officemates Im getting married, initial reaction was, how 'far' along are you? Are you pregnant? C'mon. Is getting married equal or imply 'pregnant'?
My friends and sister would often times ask me, how's married life? I answer them with: nothing's different except getting used to a new last name. Give me a few months and I'll tell you how it is.